The hallway whiteboards:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006001.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006002.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006003.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006004.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006005.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006006.jpg
Random pictures of things in my dorm:
Gotta rep the island wherever I go.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006007.jpg
My girly essentials (minus all of my makeup and other stuff.. I have an overabundance of girly things)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006008.jpg
The Knowlton cornucopia, books, my scary alarm clock (I nearly go into cardiac arrest every time I wake up to), umm.. a pen that I obviously got bored with looking at (that's innovation, people).
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006010.jpg
A typical Rayna cd.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006011.jpg
All of the fortunes I've collected + the stupid stuff on my shelf.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006013.jpg
MY TICKET. Awesome.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006017.jpg
My name, my nalgene bottles, my jewel box, my printer, and a an awesome calendar that I have yet to put up.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006019.jpg
This picture creeps Caitlin out (I think it's cute).
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006020.jpg
That little blue bag-type thing houses all of my sheets/towels/various other things that would otherwise get in the way.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006021.jpg
This is how Liz and I display our affection.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006022.jpg
Post-It notes are pretty much my favorite invention.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006023.jpg
Again, I love them.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006024.jpg
No girl should be without lip balm and a small bottle of perfume at her desk.. I realize that I'm odd. Shush.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006025.jpg
The bag that I use to lift food (mainly fruit) from the DC and my not-so-comfy computer chair.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006031.jpg
The wall that I look at as I climb the ladder onto my loft.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006027.jpg
Just in case you couldn't fully read that poster:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006029.jpg
My loft. Who fancies a snuggle? :D
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006035.jpg
Meow.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006036.jpg
The wall that I pretty much fall asleep staring at.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006042.jpg
The fire-hazard clip lamp. If my dorm room burns down, this little bugger was responsible.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006044.jpg
The top of my wardrobe opposite the foot of my bed + my leg and foot clad in puppy pajamas and awesome tiger slippers.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006046.jpg
Our TV. It's at eye-level to me from my loft. Awesome.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006047.jpg
Only the goofiest poster I've ever seen in my entire life:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/caitlin009.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/caitlin010.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/caitlin011.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/caitlin012.jpg
Side note:
That "rugby sex" poster thing was something that was on the bulletin board downstairs on the first floor. I just had to have it, since it was a pun about rugby and all. The Green Bean poster came from the fourth floor bulletin board. Again, it was just too funny to resist.
Seriously.. they have some odd people thinking up ideas for student outreach posters.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
the daily ramble-fest, of course
I spent a good part of the day talking with amazing people. Wonderful, awesome, fabulous.. Okay, I'm done.
I went and got my All-American Rejects tickets with Caitlin, Liz, Ashley, and Ashley's bf today. I'm so excited! The concert isn't until October 21st but I've totally started a count-down. Best thing about UMass = all the cool bands they get to come play here.
Then I got delicious sushi and miso soup with Liz and Laurie at the Oak Room and chatted with Sam for a little bit. He's a really nice guy. Speaking of nice guys, we made some new friends today. Jake and Jackie, two adorable Chinese boys majoring in engineering. Apparently they live in Northeast, so we'll probably be seeing more of them.
As we were getting up to leave, Liz spilled her miso soup on my foot. I was wearing sandals, so I got pretty burned. It really sucks when you're in a public place like that in a significant amount of pain and unable to yell anything. All I could do is bite my lower lip and groan a little bit. I don't think it's going to leave a welt or anything, but it hurt pretty badly.So then I smacked her bum really hard as we were getting back to our dormitory (to get her back from smacking mine yesterday + the soup incident). I win!
When we got back, we all hung out and talked for a little while before America's Next Top Model came on. My favorite girl got eliminated (noooooooo)! I'm probably far more disappointed about this than I should be. I'm not actually stupid, you guys; I just pretend to be.
This heartbreak nearly made me forget about the Knowlton "Cribs" contest. If you've ever seen Cribs on MTV, you'll get the basic theme: Judges come around and check out the dorm rooms/decide whose is the coolest. Laurie insisted that we enter because our room isn't particularly creative, but we have a LOT of space. Far more than any room on our floor, at least (what can I say? we're great at economizing). So we had to clean up a little bit, which really just meant that I had to clear my desk off because I'm "the clean roommate." Anyway, we won't win because Ashley actually, like, decorated her room and if she doesn't win I fear that she may kill herself (it's a joke, you guys. jeez). Who cares, though? At the end of the day, our room is still pimp--the coolest on the floor (you can't beat space)--and people love hanging out in here.
I want to buy a violin. When I was back home, I would just use Amber's violin when I was feeling particularly musical. Right now, in particular, I want to learn to play the Schindler's List theme and Pachabel Canon in D (which I maintain is one of the most beautiful pieces of classical music ever written, no matter how much they overuse it at weddings). I would also love to learn Mozart's Alla Turca on piano, but I'm not anywhere close to being able to play that well. Come to think of it.. I'd like to have all of my musical instruments accessible to me. I want my guitar, flute, oboe, and my keyboard (too bad I can only play two of those well) and.. yeah. Also, my friend was saying that a friend of hers was auditioning drummers for his band. I may just audition; I miss rocking out. :(
Now that I have all that out of the way, I think I should see a doctor. Why? Something is wrong with me. For whatever reason, my maternal instincts are in overdrive right now--it's disturbing! Every time I see a commercial for diapers or baby shampoo or whatever or TV, I always start thinking "I can't wait to be a mother. I wonder what my children would look like."
... I'm 18 (okay, almost 19) years old, you guys! Children should be the last thing on my mind! Maybe I'm just in a nurturing mood, because earlier today I was thinking to myself "gee, it would be nice to have a boyfriend to cook dinner for right now, or even just to call silly spanish pet names."
Okay. I think I'm done posting for now.
I went and got my All-American Rejects tickets with Caitlin, Liz, Ashley, and Ashley's bf today. I'm so excited! The concert isn't until October 21st but I've totally started a count-down. Best thing about UMass = all the cool bands they get to come play here.
Then I got delicious sushi and miso soup with Liz and Laurie at the Oak Room and chatted with Sam for a little bit. He's a really nice guy. Speaking of nice guys, we made some new friends today. Jake and Jackie, two adorable Chinese boys majoring in engineering. Apparently they live in Northeast, so we'll probably be seeing more of them.
As we were getting up to leave, Liz spilled her miso soup on my foot. I was wearing sandals, so I got pretty burned. It really sucks when you're in a public place like that in a significant amount of pain and unable to yell anything. All I could do is bite my lower lip and groan a little bit. I don't think it's going to leave a welt or anything, but it hurt pretty badly.So then I smacked her bum really hard as we were getting back to our dormitory (to get her back from smacking mine yesterday + the soup incident). I win!
When we got back, we all hung out and talked for a little while before America's Next Top Model came on. My favorite girl got eliminated (noooooooo)! I'm probably far more disappointed about this than I should be. I'm not actually stupid, you guys; I just pretend to be.
This heartbreak nearly made me forget about the Knowlton "Cribs" contest. If you've ever seen Cribs on MTV, you'll get the basic theme: Judges come around and check out the dorm rooms/decide whose is the coolest. Laurie insisted that we enter because our room isn't particularly creative, but we have a LOT of space. Far more than any room on our floor, at least (what can I say? we're great at economizing). So we had to clean up a little bit, which really just meant that I had to clear my desk off because I'm "the clean roommate." Anyway, we won't win because Ashley actually, like, decorated her room and if she doesn't win I fear that she may kill herself (it's a joke, you guys. jeez). Who cares, though? At the end of the day, our room is still pimp--the coolest on the floor (you can't beat space)--and people love hanging out in here.
I want to buy a violin. When I was back home, I would just use Amber's violin when I was feeling particularly musical. Right now, in particular, I want to learn to play the Schindler's List theme and Pachabel Canon in D (which I maintain is one of the most beautiful pieces of classical music ever written, no matter how much they overuse it at weddings). I would also love to learn Mozart's Alla Turca on piano, but I'm not anywhere close to being able to play that well. Come to think of it.. I'd like to have all of my musical instruments accessible to me. I want my guitar, flute, oboe, and my keyboard (too bad I can only play two of those well) and.. yeah. Also, my friend was saying that a friend of hers was auditioning drummers for his band. I may just audition; I miss rocking out. :(
Now that I have all that out of the way, I think I should see a doctor. Why? Something is wrong with me. For whatever reason, my maternal instincts are in overdrive right now--it's disturbing! Every time I see a commercial for diapers or baby shampoo or whatever or TV, I always start thinking "I can't wait to be a mother. I wonder what my children would look like."
... I'm 18 (okay, almost 19) years old, you guys! Children should be the last thing on my mind! Maybe I'm just in a nurturing mood, because earlier today I was thinking to myself "gee, it would be nice to have a boyfriend to cook dinner for right now, or even just to call silly spanish pet names."
Okay. I think I'm done posting for now.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Update on my life
Things have been okay, I guess. Not particularly good, not particularly bad.
I'm using Liz's "submarine" pen that she got from China right now to do my homework. She left it in my room like, a million years ago and the poor thing's neglected. It has cute little jellyfish and chinese characters written all over it. Adorable.
Simultaneously, I am doing laundry. This may sound weird, but I love doing laundry, for a few different reasons. #1 is that I can put on Franz Ferdinand's The Fallen on my mp3 player and totally rock out while I'm doing it ("So they say you're a troubled boy just because you like to destroy all the things that bring the idiots joy. Well, what's wrong with a little destruction?!"). #2, I have a very complex method of transferring my clothes from the washer to the dryer: I pitch them at it. It's too much of a pain to walk back and forth, so I invented my own little game. #3, I know this makes me sound like I have an IQ of 30, but I like watching the clothes swirl around in the washer--it's hypnotic. #4, I looooove the way my clothes smell when hey come out of the dryer. I use special linen water so that they smell like rose and lavender.
The All-American Rejects are coming to UMass! Tickets go on sale tomorrow, so Laurie, Caitlin, and I are all going to get ours. Yay! Yayayayay!
I need to go shopping in the world's worst way. I need new jeans because my old ones (my favorite ones) are too big, and I want some cute boots and sweaters and stuff. I called my mom to ask for money and she suggested that I just get a credit card. I turned down that offer because I don't want to be in a position where I could get myself into debt. So, I guess my parents are just going to keep feeding my bank account so I can use my debit card. I have to admit that I feel guilty taking money from them but I really do need clothes. :(
Liz and I have decided that we're going to get K3 sweatshirts printed at the end of the semester. On the front, they'll say "Welcome to the Bakery" with our pastry names on the back. Our pastry names are as follows:
- "Honey Bun" = Yours truly
- "Cupcake" = Laurie
- "Brownie" = Amy
- "Cookie" = Dani
- "Nanaimo Bar" or just "Nanaimo" = Kate
- "S'more" = Amelia
- "Hamentaschen" = Hannah
- "Sconey" = Janet
- "Sugah Pie" = Liz
- "Muffin" = Ashley
- "Tartlett" = Sawako
- "Danish" = Lia
- "Shortcake" = Frances
- "Dumpling" = Kelly
- "Crumpet" = Caitlin
Speaking of Liz, we had an interesting conversation about marriage. We both came to the conclusion that, if the guy we loved proposed, we would say yes, but postpone nuptuals until we were at least 20 and we wouldn't start a family until we were secure in our career. ... I don't know why I mentioned this at all. I guess the actual conversation was a lot more interesting. Oh right, we also talked about language barrier issues. Like, is it possible to marry someone who doesn't speak your first language very well and you don't speak theirs very well. On this subject, we concluded that it is possible but it would require more effort from both spouses. Yeah, not entertaining. I know.
And lastly, about Liz, she smacked my butt really hard today while we were goofing around. Seriously, ouch.
It's sushi night tomorrow. I'm excited--I've made friends with one of the guys who makes it. A few sushi nights ago, we were waiting in line while they were making it and I noted that the same guy (a student) was there every time we went. So I suggested that we should introduce ourselves, since we get sushi on Mondays and Wednesdays. They were all like "oh, yeah. we totally should" but no one was saying anything, so I took it upon myself. I struck up a conversation with him, learned that his name is Sam, and introduced the rest of my friends. Now I talk to him every time I go to The Oak Room; He's a really nice guy.
That's the end of that story.
I'm obsessed with writing letters right now. So, people, if you get a ton of letters from me in the near future, I apologize for flooding your mailbox. It's just so much fun.
I'm getting breakfast with Kelly and Caitlin tomorrow. I don't usually eat breakfast, but they want me to go so I will. I have to get up earlier and will have less time to prep myself before class, so I'm going to forego blow-drying my hair. What does this mean? If you didn't know, my hair is naturally wavy-curly. Even when I blow-dry it straight, the ends always curl (like, spiraly curls), which I actually like, because people are constantly like "oh my gosh, your hair is so cute! how long did it take you to do that?" Anyway, my hair will be curly tomorrow. Fun.
If I had a million dollars, I'd buy your looooove
If I had a million dollars we wouldn't have to walk to the store
If I had a million dollars we'd take a limousine 'cause it'd cooost more!
I'm using Liz's "submarine" pen that she got from China right now to do my homework. She left it in my room like, a million years ago and the poor thing's neglected. It has cute little jellyfish and chinese characters written all over it. Adorable.
Simultaneously, I am doing laundry. This may sound weird, but I love doing laundry, for a few different reasons. #1 is that I can put on Franz Ferdinand's The Fallen on my mp3 player and totally rock out while I'm doing it ("So they say you're a troubled boy just because you like to destroy all the things that bring the idiots joy. Well, what's wrong with a little destruction?!"). #2, I have a very complex method of transferring my clothes from the washer to the dryer: I pitch them at it. It's too much of a pain to walk back and forth, so I invented my own little game. #3, I know this makes me sound like I have an IQ of 30, but I like watching the clothes swirl around in the washer--it's hypnotic. #4, I looooove the way my clothes smell when hey come out of the dryer. I use special linen water so that they smell like rose and lavender.
The All-American Rejects are coming to UMass! Tickets go on sale tomorrow, so Laurie, Caitlin, and I are all going to get ours. Yay! Yayayayay!
I need to go shopping in the world's worst way. I need new jeans because my old ones (my favorite ones) are too big, and I want some cute boots and sweaters and stuff. I called my mom to ask for money and she suggested that I just get a credit card. I turned down that offer because I don't want to be in a position where I could get myself into debt. So, I guess my parents are just going to keep feeding my bank account so I can use my debit card. I have to admit that I feel guilty taking money from them but I really do need clothes. :(
Liz and I have decided that we're going to get K3 sweatshirts printed at the end of the semester. On the front, they'll say "Welcome to the Bakery" with our pastry names on the back. Our pastry names are as follows:
- "Honey Bun" = Yours truly
- "Cupcake" = Laurie
- "Brownie" = Amy
- "Cookie" = Dani
- "Nanaimo Bar" or just "Nanaimo" = Kate
- "S'more" = Amelia
- "Hamentaschen" = Hannah
- "Sconey" = Janet
- "Sugah Pie" = Liz
- "Muffin" = Ashley
- "Tartlett" = Sawako
- "Danish" = Lia
- "Shortcake" = Frances
- "Dumpling" = Kelly
- "Crumpet" = Caitlin
Speaking of Liz, we had an interesting conversation about marriage. We both came to the conclusion that, if the guy we loved proposed, we would say yes, but postpone nuptuals until we were at least 20 and we wouldn't start a family until we were secure in our career. ... I don't know why I mentioned this at all. I guess the actual conversation was a lot more interesting. Oh right, we also talked about language barrier issues. Like, is it possible to marry someone who doesn't speak your first language very well and you don't speak theirs very well. On this subject, we concluded that it is possible but it would require more effort from both spouses. Yeah, not entertaining. I know.
And lastly, about Liz, she smacked my butt really hard today while we were goofing around. Seriously, ouch.
It's sushi night tomorrow. I'm excited--I've made friends with one of the guys who makes it. A few sushi nights ago, we were waiting in line while they were making it and I noted that the same guy (a student) was there every time we went. So I suggested that we should introduce ourselves, since we get sushi on Mondays and Wednesdays. They were all like "oh, yeah. we totally should" but no one was saying anything, so I took it upon myself. I struck up a conversation with him, learned that his name is Sam, and introduced the rest of my friends. Now I talk to him every time I go to The Oak Room; He's a really nice guy.
That's the end of that story.
I'm obsessed with writing letters right now. So, people, if you get a ton of letters from me in the near future, I apologize for flooding your mailbox. It's just so much fun.
I'm getting breakfast with Kelly and Caitlin tomorrow. I don't usually eat breakfast, but they want me to go so I will. I have to get up earlier and will have less time to prep myself before class, so I'm going to forego blow-drying my hair. What does this mean? If you didn't know, my hair is naturally wavy-curly. Even when I blow-dry it straight, the ends always curl (like, spiraly curls), which I actually like, because people are constantly like "oh my gosh, your hair is so cute! how long did it take you to do that?" Anyway, my hair will be curly tomorrow. Fun.
If I had a million dollars, I'd buy your looooove
If I had a million dollars we wouldn't have to walk to the store
If I had a million dollars we'd take a limousine 'cause it'd cooost more!
Monday, September 25, 2006
My day is made :)
Now all I need are some apples and peanut butter, and I could die happy.
Edit: okay, so I just realized I have two quizzes and an exam tomorrow. That makes three. Threethreethree. Looks like I'll be up all night.
(but that's okay because my day has been made! yayayayayayay!)
Edit: okay, so I just realized I have two quizzes and an exam tomorrow. That makes three. Threethreethree. Looks like I'll be up all night.
(but that's okay because my day has been made! yayayayayayay!)
Why isn't real life this romantic?
This song makes me go "awww" every time I hear it (it's from The Phantom of the Opera)
Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe
No one will find you
Your fears are far behind you
All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you always beside me
To hold me and to hide me
Then say you'll share with me
One love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
That's all I ask of you
Say you'll share with me
One love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you
Share each day with me
Each night, each morning
Say you love me
You know I do.
Love me, that's all I ask of you.
Why, I do believe it's time for me to go daydream through my stat class!
Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe
No one will find you
Your fears are far behind you
All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you always beside me
To hold me and to hide me
Then say you'll share with me
One love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
That's all I ask of you
Say you'll share with me
One love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you
Share each day with me
Each night, each morning
Say you love me
You know I do.
Love me, that's all I ask of you.
Why, I do believe it's time for me to go daydream through my stat class!
Sunday, September 24, 2006
This post contains VERY personal information.
So if you'd rather not know certain things about me, stop reading right now.
....
LAST CHANCE: BAIL NOW, OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE.
Okay.
Today was a day for bad memories to dig themselves out of the shallow graves they've been hangin' out in for some-odd years to come back and haunt me. No matter what I do, I can never seem to completely chase such traumatic experiences from my mind.
Earlier today, I was talking to someone and the subject of something that happened a few years back was casually mentioned (by me, not him). What exactly happened? I was raped. By someone whom I saw as a friend and thought I could trust. I won't delve into that, though.
Later this evening, I was watching the premier of Cold Case (because it came on right after The Amazing Race) and there was a scene in it where a girl is nearly raped, portrayed in quite a graphic manner. In that instant, I relived everything that happened to me. My pulse started to race, I felt my face flush red, and that certain feeling of panic seized my stomach. Then, my breathing got shallow and fast and I realized I may hyperventilate, so I quickly (but gracefully, so as not to worry my roommate) got up, grabbed a facecloth and made my way to the bathroom, where I soaked the facecloth in cold water and held it against my face and tried to focus on calming myself down (telling myself "It's just a TV show. No one got hurt. That won't ever happen to you again," etc).
After about 60 seconds, I lowered the facecloth and looked up at my reflection in the mirror. There I saw the scar that he left on my right cheek from his stupid pocketknife that he used to intimidate me (but probably had no intention of using, now that I think about it; he cut me when he reached to cover my mouth with the hand he was holding it in). It's almost completely faded, now but it seemed so noticeable to me, like I had been marked for life, for the whole world to see.
Again, a flood of emotion. I blinked back tears and again covered my face with the cool cloth. I decided that the last thing that needed to happen was for me to lose my composure in a place where explanation would be required. Standing there over the sink, I kept seeing the images in my head (of course, the only time I have a photographic memory is with things like this) and hearing his words: "I don't want to hurt you, Rayna. If you'd just shut up, we could both enjoy this."
Haha, the son of a... Enjoy it? Aside from the fact that it did hurt--badly--I'm now left to pick up the pieces he left behind.
I feel like less of a woman. I feel worthless and unmarriageable. I'm ashamed of and hate myself. And even if I manage to find a guy who'll take me as I am when the time comes, I'd feel like I was cheating him out of something that should be rightfully his.
Why is this such a big deal to me? I wish I could explain it fully, but I can't. I think it may go back to the surroundings in which I was brought up.
...
Could someone tell me why I exist? I don't want to handle this right now; I have never felt this low, ever. I'm usually such an optimist, I don't understand why I'm having such issues keeping my emotions under control.
I'm seriously considering leaving everything behind. I want to run as far away as I can get from my past and not look back. I've seriously considered abandoning everything, including my faith, to start anew. I feel like I've just screwed everything up so badly in so many aspects of my life, I don't want any vestige remaining to remind me of who I used to be.
My cousin is in South America right now, living there and teaching english in a gradeschool. I've been talking to her, trying to get all of the details on how I should go about leaving the U.S. I can't stand it here anymore. This is something I've been looking into since my 18th birthday and, now with my 19th fast approaching, I can think of no better time to take initiative.
For those who are curious: this is without parental consent. I plan to fund said venture with money that my grandmother left me when she passed away (I think Grams would understand) and money I had put away from working at the groom shop/coffee shop + extra funds from dress commissions, etc.
But first, I have to do stat homework.
....
LAST CHANCE: BAIL NOW, OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE.
Okay.
Today was a day for bad memories to dig themselves out of the shallow graves they've been hangin' out in for some-odd years to come back and haunt me. No matter what I do, I can never seem to completely chase such traumatic experiences from my mind.
Earlier today, I was talking to someone and the subject of something that happened a few years back was casually mentioned (by me, not him). What exactly happened? I was raped. By someone whom I saw as a friend and thought I could trust. I won't delve into that, though.
Later this evening, I was watching the premier of Cold Case (because it came on right after The Amazing Race) and there was a scene in it where a girl is nearly raped, portrayed in quite a graphic manner. In that instant, I relived everything that happened to me. My pulse started to race, I felt my face flush red, and that certain feeling of panic seized my stomach. Then, my breathing got shallow and fast and I realized I may hyperventilate, so I quickly (but gracefully, so as not to worry my roommate) got up, grabbed a facecloth and made my way to the bathroom, where I soaked the facecloth in cold water and held it against my face and tried to focus on calming myself down (telling myself "It's just a TV show. No one got hurt. That won't ever happen to you again," etc).
After about 60 seconds, I lowered the facecloth and looked up at my reflection in the mirror. There I saw the scar that he left on my right cheek from his stupid pocketknife that he used to intimidate me (but probably had no intention of using, now that I think about it; he cut me when he reached to cover my mouth with the hand he was holding it in). It's almost completely faded, now but it seemed so noticeable to me, like I had been marked for life, for the whole world to see.
Again, a flood of emotion. I blinked back tears and again covered my face with the cool cloth. I decided that the last thing that needed to happen was for me to lose my composure in a place where explanation would be required. Standing there over the sink, I kept seeing the images in my head (of course, the only time I have a photographic memory is with things like this) and hearing his words: "I don't want to hurt you, Rayna. If you'd just shut up, we could both enjoy this."
Haha, the son of a... Enjoy it? Aside from the fact that it did hurt--badly--I'm now left to pick up the pieces he left behind.
I feel like less of a woman. I feel worthless and unmarriageable. I'm ashamed of and hate myself. And even if I manage to find a guy who'll take me as I am when the time comes, I'd feel like I was cheating him out of something that should be rightfully his.
Why is this such a big deal to me? I wish I could explain it fully, but I can't. I think it may go back to the surroundings in which I was brought up.
...
Could someone tell me why I exist? I don't want to handle this right now; I have never felt this low, ever. I'm usually such an optimist, I don't understand why I'm having such issues keeping my emotions under control.
I'm seriously considering leaving everything behind. I want to run as far away as I can get from my past and not look back. I've seriously considered abandoning everything, including my faith, to start anew. I feel like I've just screwed everything up so badly in so many aspects of my life, I don't want any vestige remaining to remind me of who I used to be.
My cousin is in South America right now, living there and teaching english in a gradeschool. I've been talking to her, trying to get all of the details on how I should go about leaving the U.S. I can't stand it here anymore. This is something I've been looking into since my 18th birthday and, now with my 19th fast approaching, I can think of no better time to take initiative.
For those who are curious: this is without parental consent. I plan to fund said venture with money that my grandmother left me when she passed away (I think Grams would understand) and money I had put away from working at the groom shop/coffee shop + extra funds from dress commissions, etc.
But first, I have to do stat homework.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Why I'm glad I know Kung Fu..
I forgot to mention this in my last post but, believe me, it does bear mention:
Yesterday morning, Caitlin, Kelly, Liz, and I were all on the bus coming back from Amherst center and I had to sit next to a sketchy (and probably homeless) guy because there were no other seats open. I'm across the aisle from Caitlin and Liz and I can't help but notice that the guy I'm sitting next to is acting really, really weird. Like, he'd keep leaning forward to look at me and stuff. I thought he was just being a sexually-deprived homeless person, but when I leaned over to tell Caitlin how much he was creeping me out, she said "I think he's trying to get into your bag."
This made me chuckle for a couple of reasons, one being because I was just imagining what I would do if he tried to pickpocket me. Caitlin asked if I wanted to trade seats with her (since she didn't have a bag) and I told her no. I wanted to let him give it a shot.
And he did. The moment that I felt my bag move, I swung around and jammed my knuckle into the pressure point located on the inside of his upper-arm (which makes your whole arm go numb temporarily). Needless to say, he released his hold on the bag.
So then I smirked a little bit and said "Weren't expecting that? Try again and I'll break it." I think it's pretty bad that I enjoyed putting the guy in his place, but whatever; He deserved it.
People keep asking why I'm so dressed up today. I tire of explaining it (especially since "Because it's Rosh haShanah" is not a viable reason for most and they require further explanation).
I miss my family a lot. At least I'm surrounded by a bunch of great friends who have decided to forego partying tonight because I can't go with them. My girls are the best.
Yesterday morning, Caitlin, Kelly, Liz, and I were all on the bus coming back from Amherst center and I had to sit next to a sketchy (and probably homeless) guy because there were no other seats open. I'm across the aisle from Caitlin and Liz and I can't help but notice that the guy I'm sitting next to is acting really, really weird. Like, he'd keep leaning forward to look at me and stuff. I thought he was just being a sexually-deprived homeless person, but when I leaned over to tell Caitlin how much he was creeping me out, she said "I think he's trying to get into your bag."
This made me chuckle for a couple of reasons, one being because I was just imagining what I would do if he tried to pickpocket me. Caitlin asked if I wanted to trade seats with her (since she didn't have a bag) and I told her no. I wanted to let him give it a shot.
And he did. The moment that I felt my bag move, I swung around and jammed my knuckle into the pressure point located on the inside of his upper-arm (which makes your whole arm go numb temporarily). Needless to say, he released his hold on the bag.
So then I smirked a little bit and said "Weren't expecting that? Try again and I'll break it." I think it's pretty bad that I enjoyed putting the guy in his place, but whatever; He deserved it.
People keep asking why I'm so dressed up today. I tire of explaining it (especially since "Because it's Rosh haShanah" is not a viable reason for most and they require further explanation).
I miss my family a lot. At least I'm surrounded by a bunch of great friends who have decided to forego partying tonight because I can't go with them. My girls are the best.
I'm such a bad Jew
Because I'm on my computer right now. :(
Anyway, check this out:
Hey, thanks Hannah! It would probably be better, though, if you hadn't bailed on me and left me to go to synagogue all by myself! Grrr...
Okay, I'm pretty sure I'm done being bitter now.
Let me think of what I accomplished this morning in positives and negatives:
- went to Springfield for my treatment
+ it was the last treatment (I'm dooooone! :D :D :D :D )!!
- forgot to turn in stat homework.
- my friend in my stat class is probably thinking I'm dead because I haven't been in lecture for a week.
+ didn't have Hebrew class (yay for holidays and the Jewish professors who observe them).
- broke one of my $50 flip-flops while rough-housing with Liz.
+ went to the mall and bought new ones plus a cute new draw-string bag.
+ painted my nails with Liz.
+ watched a movie with all of my girls (I love my floor-mates--they're amazing!).
- cried because of said movie (so did everyone else, haha).
+ had some deep conversations with Laurie and Liz.
I think that pretty much sums it up. I'm up far too late, being that I have to be at synagogue early tomorrow morning. I still have to iron my skirt and blouse--I totally spaced on that earlier.
I'm thinking about someone right now, someone who's day has just begun. I think I'm going to put 'Swallowed in the Sea' on repeat on my mp3 player and try to fall asleep.
... How is this possible?
Anyway, check this out:
Hey, thanks Hannah! It would probably be better, though, if you hadn't bailed on me and left me to go to synagogue all by myself! Grrr...
Okay, I'm pretty sure I'm done being bitter now.
Let me think of what I accomplished this morning in positives and negatives:
- went to Springfield for my treatment
+ it was the last treatment (I'm dooooone! :D :D :D :D )!!
- forgot to turn in stat homework.
- my friend in my stat class is probably thinking I'm dead because I haven't been in lecture for a week.
+ didn't have Hebrew class (yay for holidays and the Jewish professors who observe them).
- broke one of my $50 flip-flops while rough-housing with Liz.
+ went to the mall and bought new ones plus a cute new draw-string bag.
+ painted my nails with Liz.
+ watched a movie with all of my girls (I love my floor-mates--they're amazing!).
- cried because of said movie (so did everyone else, haha).
+ had some deep conversations with Laurie and Liz.
I think that pretty much sums it up. I'm up far too late, being that I have to be at synagogue early tomorrow morning. I still have to iron my skirt and blouse--I totally spaced on that earlier.
I'm thinking about someone right now, someone who's day has just begun. I think I'm going to put 'Swallowed in the Sea' on repeat on my mp3 player and try to fall asleep.
... How is this possible?
Friday, September 22, 2006
I'm in one of those moods
My roommate is asleep with her boyfriend right now (obviously, because it's super late).
Seeing them there really makes me want someone right now. I want a nice boy whom I can snuggle with on my bed while watching Moulin Rouge; a guy who'll wrap his arms around me and let me fall asleep there, pressed against him (such a nice, safe feeling). I need someone to give me copious amounts of hugs and kisses when I'm stressed out, or any other time--just because he cares about me.
Someone come snuggle with me, plz. :(
Seeing them there really makes me want someone right now. I want a nice boy whom I can snuggle with on my bed while watching Moulin Rouge; a guy who'll wrap his arms around me and let me fall asleep there, pressed against him (such a nice, safe feeling). I need someone to give me copious amounts of hugs and kisses when I'm stressed out, or any other time--just because he cares about me.
Someone come snuggle with me, plz. :(
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
So.. maybe a Jew lives here. I'm not sure, though.
Just fyi, I have no idea what that hebrew book says or what it's about. I just found it at Powell's (which is a huge bookstore in Portland, OR; they sell a lot of old and rare books) and grabbed it because it was the first book printed in hebrew that I had seen (aside from prayer books and the like).
Oh, and if you can't tell, most of those books are either about Judaism or are written by a Jewish author (The Modern Jewish Girl's Guide to GUILT is one of my favorite books right now.. so funny).
And lastly, that slice of "keylime pie" sitting atop my speaker is a candle and smells/looks delicious. It's hand-molded--I bought it from a local crafter at a festival back home. If you all haven't noticed, I have a thing with the color green and the keylime flavor.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
A pretty song
I love this song. I listen to it when I start feeling anxious about something; It helps me relax.
There's a place for us..
Somewhere, a place for us
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us somewhere
There's a time for us
Someday there'll be a time for us
Time together with time to spare
Time to learn, time to care
Someday, somewhere
We'll find a new way of living
We'll find there's a way of forgiving
Somewhere..
There's a place for us
A time and a place for us
Hold my hand and we're halfway there
Hold my hand and I'll take you there
Somehow.. someday.. somewhere.
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us somewhere
There's a time for us
Someday there'll be a time for us
Time together with time to spare
Time to learn, time to care
Someday, somewhere
We'll find a new way of living
We'll find there's a way of forgiving
Somewhere..
There's a place for us
A time and a place for us
Hold my hand and we're halfway there
Hold my hand and I'll take you there
Somehow.. someday.. somewhere.
this was about the biggest waste of time
Q1) When showering, do you start the water and then get in, or get in then start the water?: I start the water, then I get in.
Q2) Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle?: I do before I buy them, and then never again.
Q3) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the Herbal Essences commercials?: Umm.. that would be a "no."
Q4) Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?:
Q5) Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings?: nope.
Q6) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?: yep.
Q7) Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?: .. yes. this wins the "dumbest question ever" contest.
Q8) How old do you look?: I've gotten everything from 15 to mid-20s.
Q9) How old do you act?: I don't think I could gauge this for myself.
Q10) Whats the last song you sang?: Damelo - Juanes
Q11) Have you recently become a member of anything?: Student Alliance for Israel, UMass democrats, UMass women's rugby.
Q12) What are your plans for the weekend?: probably hit some parties, maybe hoot at guys from our window (haha).
Q13) Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?: closed. open is creepy.
Q14) Whats the sexiest thing about Condoleeza Rice?: .. nothing.
Q15) Does anything on your body itch right now?: my left wrist.
Q16) Who's the sexiest famous woman alive?: there are a lot.
Q17) Who's the sexiest famous man alive?: again, I really can't choose just one
Q18) Does every family have a crazy uncle?: I don't think so.
Q19) Have you ever smuggled something into America?: .. seeing as I live here, no.
Q20) Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive?: maaaaybe
Q21) Do you live in a city with a good sports team?: I did. :(
Q22) Have you ever finished off the popcorn and ate the junkfrom the bottom of the bag?: eww. that sounds wicked gross.
Q23) Have you ever had sex in a tent?: no
Q24) What about in a boat?: nope
Q25) Have you ever dated a Goth?: nuh uh.
Q27) Can you fix your own car?: depends on what's broken. :)
Q28) Would you want to kill George W Bush yourself if you were guaranteed to get away with it?: nope. as much as I don't like him, I couldn't bring myself to kill anyone.
Q29) Should guys wear pink?: why not? it looks good on some guys.
Q30) what were you doing at midnight last night? studying and sitting at the laptop like a nerd.
Q31) Whose bed did you sleep in last night? my own
Q32) What color shirt are you wearing? gray
Q33) What color is your underwear right now? light blue
Q34) Most recent movie that you watched? Chicago
Q35) Name three things you have on you at all times? clothes (haha), a necklace (one with a David Shield 99% of the time), my Ucard!
Q36) What is the color of your bedsheets? blue/green/yellow/white striped.
Q37) How much cash do you have on you right now? just a few dollars. I don't like carrying cash around, as I have a tendency to lose things (i.e. my purse).
Q38) What is your favorite part of the chicken? I'm a vegetarian.
Q39) What's your favorite town/city? New York City/Seattle.
Q40) I can't wait until...? my trip to Israel.
Q41) When was the last time you saw your mom? it's been a couple of weeks, now.
Q42) When was the last time you saw your dad? see above.
Q43) When was the last time you talked to them? mom = earlier today. dad = a few days ago.
Q44) Who got you to join myspace? Aaaaaaamber.
Q45) What did you have for dinner last night? lemongrass tofu and rice.
Q46) How long have you been at your current job? I'm not working! ha!
Q47) Is Tom on your friends list? .. what?
Q48) Look to your left. look to your right. what do you see?: left: wall. right: my roommate's desk and bed, with my roommate and her bf sleeping on it.
Q49 What is the last thing/person you spent over $50 on? a textbook, probably.
Q50) Who's your favorite villain? Scarecrow of Batman fame.
Q51) Whats the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone? a tank top from Caitlin, I think.. or was it Kelly?
Q52) What website(s) do you visit the most during the day? mailfriends, gmail, Umail, livejournal, my course websites.. I think that pretty much sums it up.
Q53) Do you have air fresher in your car? yes, there should still be a vanilla coconut air freshener in the Aqua Avenger as it sits sadly in the garage. :(
Q54 Do you have plants in your room? nope. I kill plants (not intentionally, obviously!).
Q55) Does anything hurt on your body right now? yes. my tummy and my head. and my chest region is still sensitive from where I cracked that rib last month.
Q56) What city was your last taxicab ride in? NYC
Q57) Do you own a picture phone? nope. those things are pretty much useless.
Q58) What's your favourite Starbucks drink? tall soy sugarfree hazelnut latte.
Q59) Recent time you were really upset? ugh.
Q60) Did you realize that this survey only has 59 question because number 26 is missing? nope. I don't really care, either.
Q2) Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle?: I do before I buy them, and then never again.
Q3) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the Herbal Essences commercials?: Umm.. that would be a "no."
Q4) Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?:
Q5) Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings?: nope.
Q6) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?: yep.
Q7) Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?: .. yes. this wins the "dumbest question ever" contest.
Q8) How old do you look?: I've gotten everything from 15 to mid-20s.
Q9) How old do you act?: I don't think I could gauge this for myself.
Q10) Whats the last song you sang?: Damelo - Juanes
Q11) Have you recently become a member of anything?: Student Alliance for Israel, UMass democrats, UMass women's rugby.
Q12) What are your plans for the weekend?: probably hit some parties, maybe hoot at guys from our window (haha).
Q13) Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?: closed. open is creepy.
Q14) Whats the sexiest thing about Condoleeza Rice?: .. nothing.
Q15) Does anything on your body itch right now?: my left wrist.
Q16) Who's the sexiest famous woman alive?: there are a lot.
Q17) Who's the sexiest famous man alive?: again, I really can't choose just one
Q18) Does every family have a crazy uncle?: I don't think so.
Q19) Have you ever smuggled something into America?: .. seeing as I live here, no.
Q20) Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive?: maaaaybe
Q21) Do you live in a city with a good sports team?: I did. :(
Q22) Have you ever finished off the popcorn and ate the junkfrom the bottom of the bag?: eww. that sounds wicked gross.
Q23) Have you ever had sex in a tent?: no
Q24) What about in a boat?: nope
Q25) Have you ever dated a Goth?: nuh uh.
Q27) Can you fix your own car?: depends on what's broken. :)
Q28) Would you want to kill George W Bush yourself if you were guaranteed to get away with it?: nope. as much as I don't like him, I couldn't bring myself to kill anyone.
Q29) Should guys wear pink?: why not? it looks good on some guys.
Q30) what were you doing at midnight last night? studying and sitting at the laptop like a nerd.
Q31) Whose bed did you sleep in last night? my own
Q32) What color shirt are you wearing? gray
Q33) What color is your underwear right now? light blue
Q34) Most recent movie that you watched? Chicago
Q35) Name three things you have on you at all times? clothes (haha), a necklace (one with a David Shield 99% of the time), my Ucard!
Q36) What is the color of your bedsheets? blue/green/yellow/white striped.
Q37) How much cash do you have on you right now? just a few dollars. I don't like carrying cash around, as I have a tendency to lose things (i.e. my purse).
Q38) What is your favorite part of the chicken? I'm a vegetarian.
Q39) What's your favorite town/city? New York City/Seattle.
Q40) I can't wait until...? my trip to Israel.
Q41) When was the last time you saw your mom? it's been a couple of weeks, now.
Q42) When was the last time you saw your dad? see above.
Q43) When was the last time you talked to them? mom = earlier today. dad = a few days ago.
Q44) Who got you to join myspace? Aaaaaaamber.
Q45) What did you have for dinner last night? lemongrass tofu and rice.
Q46) How long have you been at your current job? I'm not working! ha!
Q47) Is Tom on your friends list? .. what?
Q48) Look to your left. look to your right. what do you see?: left: wall. right: my roommate's desk and bed, with my roommate and her bf sleeping on it.
Q49 What is the last thing/person you spent over $50 on? a textbook, probably.
Q50) Who's your favorite villain? Scarecrow of Batman fame.
Q51) Whats the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone? a tank top from Caitlin, I think.. or was it Kelly?
Q52) What website(s) do you visit the most during the day? mailfriends, gmail, Umail, livejournal, my course websites.. I think that pretty much sums it up.
Q53) Do you have air fresher in your car? yes, there should still be a vanilla coconut air freshener in the Aqua Avenger as it sits sadly in the garage. :(
Q54 Do you have plants in your room? nope. I kill plants (not intentionally, obviously!).
Q55) Does anything hurt on your body right now? yes. my tummy and my head. and my chest region is still sensitive from where I cracked that rib last month.
Q56) What city was your last taxicab ride in? NYC
Q57) Do you own a picture phone? nope. those things are pretty much useless.
Q58) What's your favourite Starbucks drink? tall soy sugarfree hazelnut latte.
Q59) Recent time you were really upset? ugh.
Q60) Did you realize that this survey only has 59 question because number 26 is missing? nope. I don't really care, either.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Uh oh! Here comes the story of my life!
Not really. It's just a daily recap. Sorry to get all of your hopes up.
I woke up far too late and, while I would have preferred to wrap myself securely in my bed comforter and spend the day chillin' in my residence hall like that, I dragged myself down to the shower and prettified myself. Shortly thereafter, I called Hannah's cell phone to wake her up so that she could go to the dining commons with me. Hannah wins at life.
We got some delicious food from the DC and brought it back to our dorms. Seriously, I could feed a small army with the food that I have in here. It's awesome.
So then I ate an apple with some peanut butter (which is amazing; don't even BEGIN to knock it until you've tried it) and pretty much hung out for a few hours, being a nerd and chatting online with amazing people whom I adore. I snagged some cold medication from Caitlin, which tastes disgusting (I can't even begin to describe just how disgusting it actually is) but works like a charm. I started feeling better within half-an-hour.
And then Liz found me and decided to make good on my offer to be her workout buddy. So, after much whining, I got changed into some shorts and a t-shirt and went with her to the gym. The fitness center for our quad is a joke of a fitness center. The room is tiny and poorly ventilated and they only have two of each machine. Plus, the structure of the entire building is quite labrynth-like and it was a pain to find the stupid fitness room to begin with.
In retrospect, it's probably not a good idea to work out as hard as I did while you have the flu. While I definitely felt better about myself mentally when I was finished (not to mention the endorphine rush; I love that), I felt pretty much like crap physically--like, in terms of my flu symptoms.
Then we went back to the dorms, changed our clothes, and went to the DC for dinner, where we pretty much just took more food back to our dorms. At this point, I pretty much live on fruit. I love it. Love it, love it, love it. Lovey-lovey-love-love. Love it. Okay, moving on..
So, here's the scoop on the clingy ex-boyfriend who wants to marry me:
After talking to a certain AWESOME someone, I decided that just sending him back the promise ring without any explanation wouldn't be very nice--and that's not what I'm all about. So I wrote him a letter that goes a little something like: "David, I'm deepy flattered that you still feel this way about me after so long. However, you and I both know that a marriage built on unreciprocated infatuation is bound to fail. I'm sure that the one for you is out there and that you just need to look a little closer to home to find her. [blah blah blah more ways of saying "no" politely and sensitively]" Hopefully he won't continue to bother me once this is pulled off the table (I know that sounds mean but, come on! If you were in my shoes, wouldn't you find the whole situation a bit creepy?).
Oh! Oh! The Amazing Race premiered today and I'm so excited. They started in SEATTLE. It both broke my heart and made me happy to see such familiar images on TV (I'm just slightly homesick at this point). But I got to point out certain things to my floor-mates and that was awesome. We are all planning to make watching The Amazing Race and America's Next Top Model a weekly affair (Grey's Anatomy too, I suppose). K3 unity!!
I was missing my [paternal] grandmother today. I'm feeling a bit misguided right now and she always seemed to be able to put me back on track in the past. I hate being so far away that I can't go to the cemetery regularly to lay fresh flowers down. Jessie and Hannah were talking about their grandmothers at lunch the other day and how they always call to check up on them. I wish I had that.
Now here's where I get all emo:
I don't know what it's going to take for my parents to be proud of me. There's not much more I can do: I get good grades, I'm involved with a bazillion extracurricular activities, I stay observant of my religion to the best of my ability, I'm constantly trying to better myself. Why don't they recognize that? Why did I have to rely on grandma for affirmation? Don't get me wrong; I know my parents love me a lot. Sometimes, though, I'd like to get more than an expectant "bueno" when I tell my mother what I've been doing with the Student Alliance for Israel or the UMass democrats or any other of the student activities that I'm involved in, before she finds something to criticize me for. I guess I'm fated to live in Karoly's shadow.
Ugh. I'm an emotional girl, you guys. Sorry 'bout that.
I woke up far too late and, while I would have preferred to wrap myself securely in my bed comforter and spend the day chillin' in my residence hall like that, I dragged myself down to the shower and prettified myself. Shortly thereafter, I called Hannah's cell phone to wake her up so that she could go to the dining commons with me. Hannah wins at life.
We got some delicious food from the DC and brought it back to our dorms. Seriously, I could feed a small army with the food that I have in here. It's awesome.
So then I ate an apple with some peanut butter (which is amazing; don't even BEGIN to knock it until you've tried it) and pretty much hung out for a few hours, being a nerd and chatting online with amazing people whom I adore. I snagged some cold medication from Caitlin, which tastes disgusting (I can't even begin to describe just how disgusting it actually is) but works like a charm. I started feeling better within half-an-hour.
And then Liz found me and decided to make good on my offer to be her workout buddy. So, after much whining, I got changed into some shorts and a t-shirt and went with her to the gym. The fitness center for our quad is a joke of a fitness center. The room is tiny and poorly ventilated and they only have two of each machine. Plus, the structure of the entire building is quite labrynth-like and it was a pain to find the stupid fitness room to begin with.
In retrospect, it's probably not a good idea to work out as hard as I did while you have the flu. While I definitely felt better about myself mentally when I was finished (not to mention the endorphine rush; I love that), I felt pretty much like crap physically--like, in terms of my flu symptoms.
Then we went back to the dorms, changed our clothes, and went to the DC for dinner, where we pretty much just took more food back to our dorms. At this point, I pretty much live on fruit. I love it. Love it, love it, love it. Lovey-lovey-love-love. Love it. Okay, moving on..
So, here's the scoop on the clingy ex-boyfriend who wants to marry me:
After talking to a certain AWESOME someone, I decided that just sending him back the promise ring without any explanation wouldn't be very nice--and that's not what I'm all about. So I wrote him a letter that goes a little something like: "David, I'm deepy flattered that you still feel this way about me after so long. However, you and I both know that a marriage built on unreciprocated infatuation is bound to fail. I'm sure that the one for you is out there and that you just need to look a little closer to home to find her. [blah blah blah more ways of saying "no" politely and sensitively]" Hopefully he won't continue to bother me once this is pulled off the table (I know that sounds mean but, come on! If you were in my shoes, wouldn't you find the whole situation a bit creepy?).
Oh! Oh! The Amazing Race premiered today and I'm so excited. They started in SEATTLE. It both broke my heart and made me happy to see such familiar images on TV (I'm just slightly homesick at this point). But I got to point out certain things to my floor-mates and that was awesome. We are all planning to make watching The Amazing Race and America's Next Top Model a weekly affair (Grey's Anatomy too, I suppose). K3 unity!!
I was missing my [paternal] grandmother today. I'm feeling a bit misguided right now and she always seemed to be able to put me back on track in the past. I hate being so far away that I can't go to the cemetery regularly to lay fresh flowers down. Jessie and Hannah were talking about their grandmothers at lunch the other day and how they always call to check up on them. I wish I had that.
Now here's where I get all emo:
I don't know what it's going to take for my parents to be proud of me. There's not much more I can do: I get good grades, I'm involved with a bazillion extracurricular activities, I stay observant of my religion to the best of my ability, I'm constantly trying to better myself. Why don't they recognize that? Why did I have to rely on grandma for affirmation? Don't get me wrong; I know my parents love me a lot. Sometimes, though, I'd like to get more than an expectant "bueno" when I tell my mother what I've been doing with the Student Alliance for Israel or the UMass democrats or any other of the student activities that I'm involved in, before she finds something to criticize me for. I guess I'm fated to live in Karoly's shadow.
Ugh. I'm an emotional girl, you guys. Sorry 'bout that.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Am I being punished?
I'm sick. I have the flu and I feel like absolute crap.
This couldn't have come at a worse time, my white blood cell count is down and this could potentially turn from something that is quite minor into something serious.
God, I feel so terrible. My head hurts, my throat is sore, my nose is stuffed up, I'm nauseous, and pretty much every muscle in my body aches. Oh, this is also punctuated by the fact that I'm running a fever.
Ugh. Someone, just grab a gun and put me out of my misery, please.
Now, I don't deny that it could be partially my fault. I started feeling bad this morning and, by about 21:00, it had peaked. Yet, when Liz, Hannah, Jessie, and Caitlin asked if I would go out with them tonight, I complied. Why? Because I'm an idiot.
We went to Jessie's friend's dorm room at Orchard Hill [residential area] where they were playing beer pong. It was ridiculously hot and uncomfortable crammed into that dorm room, but I decided to stay and have a drink anyway. I ended up getting Bacardi and cranberry, with WAY too much rum in it for my own good, but it was cold and my throat hurt, so I drank it down. Regretting that.
Then we all left because we were going to head to a frat party, but ended up turning around because it sounded sketchy. Long story short, I felt like crap so Caitlin escorted me back down here (to our dormitory) via "the rape trail" (which is a sketchy dark, wooded trail that snakes along the hillside and that no female should travel alone at night).
Then I took the most refreshing shower ever, with cool water because I'm so feverish. I think I'll go to bed soon, if I can.
Oh, the guy whose dorm we went to is Jewish, and so were most of his guests. I don't know why that bears mention..
And oh yeah, Jessie and Hannah are trying to set me up with a couple of Jewish guys that they know. Yes, a couple. Because they couldn't make up their mind on just one. I think one of them is named Ruben and the other is Jake. It's kind of creepy how excited they are about the whole thing.
I'm sorry if this entry is poorly-written and full of grammatical errors. The fever is making it a little bit hard to focus. I'm going to bed.
This couldn't have come at a worse time, my white blood cell count is down and this could potentially turn from something that is quite minor into something serious.
God, I feel so terrible. My head hurts, my throat is sore, my nose is stuffed up, I'm nauseous, and pretty much every muscle in my body aches. Oh, this is also punctuated by the fact that I'm running a fever.
Ugh. Someone, just grab a gun and put me out of my misery, please.
Now, I don't deny that it could be partially my fault. I started feeling bad this morning and, by about 21:00, it had peaked. Yet, when Liz, Hannah, Jessie, and Caitlin asked if I would go out with them tonight, I complied. Why? Because I'm an idiot.
We went to Jessie's friend's dorm room at Orchard Hill [residential area] where they were playing beer pong. It was ridiculously hot and uncomfortable crammed into that dorm room, but I decided to stay and have a drink anyway. I ended up getting Bacardi and cranberry, with WAY too much rum in it for my own good, but it was cold and my throat hurt, so I drank it down. Regretting that.
Then we all left because we were going to head to a frat party, but ended up turning around because it sounded sketchy. Long story short, I felt like crap so Caitlin escorted me back down here (to our dormitory) via "the rape trail" (which is a sketchy dark, wooded trail that snakes along the hillside and that no female should travel alone at night).
Then I took the most refreshing shower ever, with cool water because I'm so feverish. I think I'll go to bed soon, if I can.
Oh, the guy whose dorm we went to is Jewish, and so were most of his guests. I don't know why that bears mention..
And oh yeah, Jessie and Hannah are trying to set me up with a couple of Jewish guys that they know. Yes, a couple. Because they couldn't make up their mind on just one. I think one of them is named Ruben and the other is Jake. It's kind of creepy how excited they are about the whole thing.
I'm sorry if this entry is poorly-written and full of grammatical errors. The fever is making it a little bit hard to focus. I'm going to bed.
Friday, September 15, 2006
We can't seem to escape it..
I was talking to my friend, Dani, today and we got on the subject of me being Jewish (because Caitlin, of course, made a comment about it today; She's fixated on Judaism). We were talking about my mezuzah when, all of a sudden, she says: "Oh my gosh, did you hear what happened in Southwest [residential area]?"
I shook my head and gave her a shifty-eyed look. "Well, my friend has a mezuzah up on her doorpost, too [in Southwest] and she decided to move it to the inside because her whole hallway got vandalized."
You know when you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach--like there's a heavy stone sitting in there? I was pretty much feeling that when I asked her to explain herself further. She went on to say that swastikas were spraypainted all over the hallway she lived in along with various antisemitic phrases; That they had actually closed her floor's lounge pending cleaning because the phrases spraypainted therein where so offensive and disgusting. Because, obviously, now her friend somewhat fears for her safety, she has now removed her mezuzah and replaced it inside her room.
Security is pretty tight on our building: you need to swipe a card to get in the front door and all other exit/entrance doors are alarmed from 8pm-8am. That being said, I'm fairly certain we don't have any antisemites in the building, so my mezuzah is staying put. I'm just disgusted and worried. A few days ago, I called mama to check in with her and she mentioned an article that she read in one of her magazines about the best Universities for Jewish students; UMass was #3, yet this still happens.
Moving on: I got an interesting letter today in the mail.
It was from my ex-boyfriend. Not my most recent; One that I had kind of remained in contact with, but not really. It was pretty long but the basic sentiment was this: He regrets ever letting me go (mentions that my moving away made him realize it), wants to marry me (I'm pretty sure he's 22, now), and he made sure to mention that he wants me to bear his children. I nearly DIED laughing when I read that part. Oh, and also, included in the envelope was a ring. Not an engagement ring, a promise ring (still would mean I "belonged" to someone; promise rings are more simple and modest and the first step toward engagement); he hoped that I would "promise" to come home to him.
So how do I respond to this? I'm going to put the promise ring in a small envelope and mail it back to him, without so much as a note. The whole situation is ridiculous; I don't need this kind of drama right now.
And in more interesting news:
Liz is probably the most awesome person on the face of the earth and, if I were to marry anyone right now, it would definitely be her (it's a joke you guys, calm down). We rough-house and cling to each other a lot; We have spectacular wrestling matches and tapioca fights when we get pearl tea in Amherst center, we go on midnight adventures to the vending machines in the basement, we shower at the same time (in separate stalls, you perverts) and have hilarious conversations back and forth while we do..
Yeah. We're awesome (and a little bit weird possibly, but whatev).
I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight; I've been literally worrying myself sick. I suppose I'll try, though.
I shook my head and gave her a shifty-eyed look. "Well, my friend has a mezuzah up on her doorpost, too [in Southwest] and she decided to move it to the inside because her whole hallway got vandalized."
You know when you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach--like there's a heavy stone sitting in there? I was pretty much feeling that when I asked her to explain herself further. She went on to say that swastikas were spraypainted all over the hallway she lived in along with various antisemitic phrases; That they had actually closed her floor's lounge pending cleaning because the phrases spraypainted therein where so offensive and disgusting. Because, obviously, now her friend somewhat fears for her safety, she has now removed her mezuzah and replaced it inside her room.
Security is pretty tight on our building: you need to swipe a card to get in the front door and all other exit/entrance doors are alarmed from 8pm-8am. That being said, I'm fairly certain we don't have any antisemites in the building, so my mezuzah is staying put. I'm just disgusted and worried. A few days ago, I called mama to check in with her and she mentioned an article that she read in one of her magazines about the best Universities for Jewish students; UMass was #3, yet this still happens.
Moving on: I got an interesting letter today in the mail.
It was from my ex-boyfriend. Not my most recent; One that I had kind of remained in contact with, but not really. It was pretty long but the basic sentiment was this: He regrets ever letting me go (mentions that my moving away made him realize it), wants to marry me (I'm pretty sure he's 22, now), and he made sure to mention that he wants me to bear his children. I nearly DIED laughing when I read that part. Oh, and also, included in the envelope was a ring. Not an engagement ring, a promise ring (still would mean I "belonged" to someone; promise rings are more simple and modest and the first step toward engagement); he hoped that I would "promise" to come home to him.
So how do I respond to this? I'm going to put the promise ring in a small envelope and mail it back to him, without so much as a note. The whole situation is ridiculous; I don't need this kind of drama right now.
And in more interesting news:
Liz is probably the most awesome person on the face of the earth and, if I were to marry anyone right now, it would definitely be her (it's a joke you guys, calm down). We rough-house and cling to each other a lot; We have spectacular wrestling matches and tapioca fights when we get pearl tea in Amherst center, we go on midnight adventures to the vending machines in the basement, we shower at the same time (in separate stalls, you perverts) and have hilarious conversations back and forth while we do..
Yeah. We're awesome (and a little bit weird possibly, but whatev).
I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight; I've been literally worrying myself sick. I suppose I'll try, though.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Oh! Oh, wait!
I'm trying to plan my next trip to the island and my parents aren't going with me. That's kind of stressful because it would mean that I would have to be around my family (on the island) by myself and my spanish is getting broken; They like to tease me about that.
Oooor, I could skip staying in our house, which is in the "family neighborhood" (almost everyone in that little area is related to us) and just have papa book me a condo in San Juan. The only downside of that would be that, if I wasn't going to see any of mis tios y tias, I couldn't see my little cousins either and that would kind of break my heart. I miss those two so much.
And I'd need to find a friend to drag with me because the island is so much nicer if you're "sharing" it with someone, but the possibility of finding someone who wants to go and has the means to get there is not very likely.
Sigh.. I'm beginning to wonder whether or not I'll just skip the whole thing. It's such an awkward spot that I'm in.
Oooor, I could skip staying in our house, which is in the "family neighborhood" (almost everyone in that little area is related to us) and just have papa book me a condo in San Juan. The only downside of that would be that, if I wasn't going to see any of mis tios y tias, I couldn't see my little cousins either and that would kind of break my heart. I miss those two so much.
And I'd need to find a friend to drag with me because the island is so much nicer if you're "sharing" it with someone, but the possibility of finding someone who wants to go and has the means to get there is not very likely.
Sigh.. I'm beginning to wonder whether or not I'll just skip the whole thing. It's such an awkward spot that I'm in.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Ooh.. so studious.
I found this kind of sad: we've only been on-campus for about a week and a half and, already, once it hits around 9:00pm, all of my friends and I disappear into our rooms to hit the books.
Speaking of friends, Caitlin crossed a line today. We were in the dining commons for dinner (with the rest of the group) and, as we were getting ready to leave, I suggested that we go grab some stuff for breakfast tomorrow morning. She agreed and got up from the table (along with Liz) to accompany me. Now, I can't remember the exact exchange of words, but she ended up calling me a "Jewish slut." My jaw dropped and I just stared at her in utter disbelief. I turned to the rest of our friends sitting at the table to gauge their reactions and caught Ashley's and her boyfriends expressions--they were just as shocked as I. I sputtered something like "Caitlin, that's.. no. You don't say things like that. It's not funny," and she just turned on her heel and walked away. I looked over again at Ashley and her bf, gaping.
I understand that Caitlin's sense of humor is kind of like that and she doesn't mean anything by it, but I was wholly offended. I don't think she'd react very kindly if I were to call her a "Trampy WASP," though I can't be certain (she does have an odd sense of humor).
Anyway, I haven't talked to her since she said it. I want an apology. Am I making too big a deal of it? Maybe..
In other news, I had stat homework to do tonight because I'm a supreme procrastinator and didn't do it yesterday when I did my hebrew homework (I enjoy hebrew homework, even though I'm terrible at it). I really, really hate statistics. Just thought you all should know that.
So we were supposed to have karaoke night tonight, but we ran into logistical issues with obtaining a karaoke machine and getting access to the lounge. So we had a "mini karaoke night" in our (being mine and Laurie's) room. I totally forgot to record it, but that's probably a good thing, since my voice was being una llorona tonight (it was a bit scratchy). I'll probably just record myself singing some other time and make that available to those (ahem) who want it.
A few of my friends and I have tossed around the idea of filming our own version of a Pussycat Dolls video for a "residence hall representation" contest--like, learn the dances and everything. We figured, what better to represent the all-girls dormitory than to film a sexy rendition of one of those songs, haha. We'd totally win the contest. I was thinking either Beep or Sway because the lyrics in the other two dance songs are just a little bit too.. meh, inviting? We don't want to look skanky, so we'd adjust accordingly (in dress and certain dance moves). We're still thinking about whether we'll do it at all.
(as a reference point: Sway -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwnTWvw8M9g . I can't link to the other two videos because of youtube being stupid with copyrighting now. If you really want to see them, go to yahoo music and just look for 'beep' and 'buttons.')
Lastly, I've been flipping through my latest issue of Latina magazine and damn.. it's so redundant. The articles that they have are always about "dressing for your curvy latina body" and "x reasons why it's great to be latina!" I'm getting sick of it. I think I'll just read Cosmo from now on.
Okay. Sleepy time for Raynita! :)
Speaking of friends, Caitlin crossed a line today. We were in the dining commons for dinner (with the rest of the group) and, as we were getting ready to leave, I suggested that we go grab some stuff for breakfast tomorrow morning. She agreed and got up from the table (along with Liz) to accompany me. Now, I can't remember the exact exchange of words, but she ended up calling me a "Jewish slut." My jaw dropped and I just stared at her in utter disbelief. I turned to the rest of our friends sitting at the table to gauge their reactions and caught Ashley's and her boyfriends expressions--they were just as shocked as I. I sputtered something like "Caitlin, that's.. no. You don't say things like that. It's not funny," and she just turned on her heel and walked away. I looked over again at Ashley and her bf, gaping.
I understand that Caitlin's sense of humor is kind of like that and she doesn't mean anything by it, but I was wholly offended. I don't think she'd react very kindly if I were to call her a "Trampy WASP," though I can't be certain (she does have an odd sense of humor).
Anyway, I haven't talked to her since she said it. I want an apology. Am I making too big a deal of it? Maybe..
In other news, I had stat homework to do tonight because I'm a supreme procrastinator and didn't do it yesterday when I did my hebrew homework (I enjoy hebrew homework, even though I'm terrible at it). I really, really hate statistics. Just thought you all should know that.
So we were supposed to have karaoke night tonight, but we ran into logistical issues with obtaining a karaoke machine and getting access to the lounge. So we had a "mini karaoke night" in our (being mine and Laurie's) room. I totally forgot to record it, but that's probably a good thing, since my voice was being una llorona tonight (it was a bit scratchy). I'll probably just record myself singing some other time and make that available to those (ahem) who want it.
A few of my friends and I have tossed around the idea of filming our own version of a Pussycat Dolls video for a "residence hall representation" contest--like, learn the dances and everything. We figured, what better to represent the all-girls dormitory than to film a sexy rendition of one of those songs, haha. We'd totally win the contest. I was thinking either Beep or Sway because the lyrics in the other two dance songs are just a little bit too.. meh, inviting? We don't want to look skanky, so we'd adjust accordingly (in dress and certain dance moves). We're still thinking about whether we'll do it at all.
(as a reference point: Sway -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwnTWvw8M9g . I can't link to the other two videos because of youtube being stupid with copyrighting now. If you really want to see them, go to yahoo music and just look for 'beep' and 'buttons.')
Lastly, I've been flipping through my latest issue of Latina magazine and damn.. it's so redundant. The articles that they have are always about "dressing for your curvy latina body" and "x reasons why it's great to be latina!" I'm getting sick of it. I think I'll just read Cosmo from now on.
Okay. Sleepy time for Raynita! :)
Monday, September 11, 2006
Things that amuse me and things that don't
What amuses me:
- When I'm walking to class, a guy is walking toward me, staring at me (jaw slightly slack) transfixed and then, because he's distracted, runs into another person. That makes me giggle.
- When I mention "bee sting" lattes and no one has any idea what I'm talking about. Ah, silly New England.
Things that do not amuse me:
-When I'm walking back to my dorm from class, tired beyond belief and, all of a sudden, Caitlin (who was walking toward me, but I didn't notice) puts a hand directly in front of my face and startles the crap out of me. Not fun.
- When the USB cord I buy at the Ustore doesn't work with my printer and gdsagkdasgnds.
- When I'm so tired that my eyes sting. :(
- My glasses. They aren't amusing at all.
As a side note: I have a blonde streak in my hair. Yes, it's natural. No, it's not that noticeable, but it weirds me out when I'm drying my hair. I don't know why; It's been there my whole life. It's just odd because everything about me is dark: skin, eyes, hair. I say it's my long lost heritage trying to emerge..
This song http://media.putfile.com/sidi-mansour is fun to dance to. I may have to give up belly dance, though, because there is no troupe out here (in Amherst). However, there is a ballroom dance club. Maybe I'll join that instead (I haven't danced ballroom in AGES, though).
- When I'm walking to class, a guy is walking toward me, staring at me (jaw slightly slack) transfixed and then, because he's distracted, runs into another person. That makes me giggle.
- When I mention "bee sting" lattes and no one has any idea what I'm talking about. Ah, silly New England.
Things that do not amuse me:
-When I'm walking back to my dorm from class, tired beyond belief and, all of a sudden, Caitlin (who was walking toward me, but I didn't notice) puts a hand directly in front of my face and startles the crap out of me. Not fun.
- When the USB cord I buy at the Ustore doesn't work with my printer and gdsagkdasgnds.
- When I'm so tired that my eyes sting. :(
- My glasses. They aren't amusing at all.
As a side note: I have a blonde streak in my hair. Yes, it's natural. No, it's not that noticeable, but it weirds me out when I'm drying my hair. I don't know why; It's been there my whole life. It's just odd because everything about me is dark: skin, eyes, hair. I say it's my long lost heritage trying to emerge..
This song http://media.putfile.com/sidi-mansour is fun to dance to. I may have to give up belly dance, though, because there is no troupe out here (in Amherst). However, there is a ballroom dance club. Maybe I'll join that instead (I haven't danced ballroom in AGES, though).
Sunday, September 10, 2006
I just thought this song was kind of fitting..
considering what I'm going through.
He said I was in my early forties, with a lot of life before me
And one moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spend most of the next days, looking at the x-rays
Talking 'bout the options, and talking 'bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in, that this might be the real end
How's it hit ya, when you get that kind of news?
What did you do?
He said:
I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said: "Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying."
He said: I was finally the husband, that most the time I wasn't
And I became the friend a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden, going fishin' wasn't such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad
Well, I finally read the good book, and I took good long hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all again
And then
I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said: "Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying."
Like tomorrow was the end
And ya got an eternity to think about what to do with it
What should you do with it?
What can I do with it?
What would I do with it?
He said I was in my early forties, with a lot of life before me
And one moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spend most of the next days, looking at the x-rays
Talking 'bout the options, and talking 'bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in, that this might be the real end
How's it hit ya, when you get that kind of news?
What did you do?
He said:
I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said: "Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying."
He said: I was finally the husband, that most the time I wasn't
And I became the friend a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden, going fishin' wasn't such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad
Well, I finally read the good book, and I took good long hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all again
And then
I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said: "Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying."
Like tomorrow was the end
And ya got an eternity to think about what to do with it
What should you do with it?
What can I do with it?
What would I do with it?
Friday, September 08, 2006
K3; what, what.
K3 = Knowlton 3rd floor. We are the coolest floor in the building, and perhaps the coolest floor on the campus. We are so awesome.
We're all about "floor unity" and do everything together: get breakfast/lunch/dinner, go shopping, go into Amherst center, walk to classes, go to campus events. We're just so awesome--you can't touch us.
We had a lot of fun today. After I got done with my classes, we were all hanging out in Kelly and Caitlin's room, messing around on facebook.com. Caitlin made a usergroup: "Kelly W: My Anti-Drug," because she has this odd fixation with talking about drugs. So anyway, she made the group and made everyone on our floor officers of it (like moderators) and gave us titles. Caitlin's is "Kelly laughs at me and tells me that drugs are bad." Amelia's is "Amelia just uses horse tranquilizers." Mine is "Drugs aren't kosher." The general consensus among the floor-mates is that my title is the funniest (sweet, I win). Caitlin has a tendency to make "kosher jokes" about me.
So after a while of messing around with that, we decided that we needed some pictures of Kelly to put on the usergroup page. So I got my digital camera and Caitlin and I went to work. We got some Tylenol PM, Ibuprophen, and some Excedrin Migraine and put the bottles in front of Kelly, who then hid her face (conveniently looking like she was passed out). The pictures are priceless; Caitlin and I couldn't stop laughing.
Then it came up that I could bellydance, so Kelly and Caitlin asked me to kind of show them how. I went and got my dance cd, and showed them a few moves before other girls started showing up and we had a big bellydance lesson. I was actually impressed at how fast some of them caught on.
Then I went into Amherst center with Dani and Caitlin, where we got Thai food. I ate sooo much today, you guys. For breakfast, I had a nutragrain bar and when I came back at lunch time, I had some crackers, and then I had a biiiig bowl of pad thai for dinner (that's more than I've eaten in a good while). Then we all (being our entire floor, pretty much) went to "late-night brunch" at our dining commons (we went at 10:45pm), where I ate half of a waffle, an apple, and drank some chocolate milk. Then Caitlin and I went and filled up some water bottles with skim milk, some sandwich bags with cereal, grabbed some apples, and snuck them out of the dining commons. That will be breakfast for tomorrow, haha. Liz got us so hooked on taking stuff from the DC.
Then I took a shower, but had to undress/dress in Kelly and Cait's room because Laurie's boyfriend, George, was in ours. Man, that was a refreshing shower, though..
Okay, I hate to break the mood and get all emo, but I'm having self-esteem issues right now like you wouldn't believe. I feel just awful about the way I look. I hate my hips; I've always hated my hips. I'm latina so, naturally, I'm a little more hourglass-shaped than the caucasian girls I hang out with, and it makes me super self-conscious.
Seriously.. wide hips are no good. My mom always used to tell me "wide hips are good for bearing sons," which would be great... if I were living in the year 1800. Ugh, no good at all.
Oh, and I hate the color of my skin. Hate it.
I'm sleeping now because I think I'm cranky and I've finally finished my stat homework.
We're all about "floor unity" and do everything together: get breakfast/lunch/dinner, go shopping, go into Amherst center, walk to classes, go to campus events. We're just so awesome--you can't touch us.
We had a lot of fun today. After I got done with my classes, we were all hanging out in Kelly and Caitlin's room, messing around on facebook.com. Caitlin made a usergroup: "Kelly W: My Anti-Drug," because she has this odd fixation with talking about drugs. So anyway, she made the group and made everyone on our floor officers of it (like moderators) and gave us titles. Caitlin's is "Kelly laughs at me and tells me that drugs are bad." Amelia's is "Amelia just uses horse tranquilizers." Mine is "Drugs aren't kosher." The general consensus among the floor-mates is that my title is the funniest (sweet, I win). Caitlin has a tendency to make "kosher jokes" about me.
So after a while of messing around with that, we decided that we needed some pictures of Kelly to put on the usergroup page. So I got my digital camera and Caitlin and I went to work. We got some Tylenol PM, Ibuprophen, and some Excedrin Migraine and put the bottles in front of Kelly, who then hid her face (conveniently looking like she was passed out). The pictures are priceless; Caitlin and I couldn't stop laughing.
Then it came up that I could bellydance, so Kelly and Caitlin asked me to kind of show them how. I went and got my dance cd, and showed them a few moves before other girls started showing up and we had a big bellydance lesson. I was actually impressed at how fast some of them caught on.
Then I went into Amherst center with Dani and Caitlin, where we got Thai food. I ate sooo much today, you guys. For breakfast, I had a nutragrain bar and when I came back at lunch time, I had some crackers, and then I had a biiiig bowl of pad thai for dinner (that's more than I've eaten in a good while). Then we all (being our entire floor, pretty much) went to "late-night brunch" at our dining commons (we went at 10:45pm), where I ate half of a waffle, an apple, and drank some chocolate milk. Then Caitlin and I went and filled up some water bottles with skim milk, some sandwich bags with cereal, grabbed some apples, and snuck them out of the dining commons. That will be breakfast for tomorrow, haha. Liz got us so hooked on taking stuff from the DC.
Then I took a shower, but had to undress/dress in Kelly and Cait's room because Laurie's boyfriend, George, was in ours. Man, that was a refreshing shower, though..
Okay, I hate to break the mood and get all emo, but I'm having self-esteem issues right now like you wouldn't believe. I feel just awful about the way I look. I hate my hips; I've always hated my hips. I'm latina so, naturally, I'm a little more hourglass-shaped than the caucasian girls I hang out with, and it makes me super self-conscious.
Seriously.. wide hips are no good. My mom always used to tell me "wide hips are good for bearing sons," which would be great... if I were living in the year 1800. Ugh, no good at all.
Oh, and I hate the color of my skin. Hate it.
I'm sleeping now because I think I'm cranky and I've finally finished my stat homework.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Cool.
I have arrived safe and sound in lovely little Amherst, Massachusetts. As near as I can tell, all of my stuff got here in one piece with the exception of my bottle of Jean Patou perfume (En Joy). :( :( That perfume was pretty expensive and I love it sooo much. I mean, all of the liquid is still contained, but the sprayer is broken and the bottle is sealed. So now it's a matter of finding a way to get the liquid out of the bottle without breaking it; Stand by for hilarity.
BUT, my keylime pie candle arrived safely, which is great because it was expensive and is ridiculously cute.
We experienced some really bad turbulence on the flight into Chicago. Now, keep in mind that I'm good about air travel; turbulence doesn't bother me usually, but this did. It was tossing the plane around so violently that I was holding onto papa's hand with my left hand and, in my right, I was clutching my khamsa pendant so tightly that, when I finally released it, it had left an imprint on my palm. It was pretty scary. According to the pilot on our connecting flight into Hartford, this was due to the fact that there were some storm systems moving in from the West--we had gone through the thick of it.
Once I set up my room and get settled in and stuff, I'll take some pictures and post them. Right now, I think I'll sleep.
BUT, my keylime pie candle arrived safely, which is great because it was expensive and is ridiculously cute.
We experienced some really bad turbulence on the flight into Chicago. Now, keep in mind that I'm good about air travel; turbulence doesn't bother me usually, but this did. It was tossing the plane around so violently that I was holding onto papa's hand with my left hand and, in my right, I was clutching my khamsa pendant so tightly that, when I finally released it, it had left an imprint on my palm. It was pretty scary. According to the pilot on our connecting flight into Hartford, this was due to the fact that there were some storm systems moving in from the West--we had gone through the thick of it.
Once I set up my room and get settled in and stuff, I'll take some pictures and post them. Right now, I think I'll sleep.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
So normally, I wouldn't post right now but..
I went over to Amber's last night for "one last hurrah" before I leave for Massachusetts. She, her boyfriend, Davyn, and Dylan (not my ex Dylan) were all there just getting tipsy and having a few laughs.
First of all, I don't think I should have had anything to drink at all; I'm not sure that it's a good idea with my treatment and all but.. that being said, I did. I had a few shots (Goldschlager is awesome), a couple of spiked Mike's.. needless to say I was pretty far gone because I haven't really been eating anything. But this isn't where the story lies, oh no...
So Amber's boyfriend, James, is a very friendly drunk. I mean, a very friendly drunk. He was even worse off than I in terms of alcohol intake and kept wrapping his arms around my waist, grabbing my hips and pulling me toward him and so on, always when poor Amber wasn't around, of course.
Eventually, Amber is drunk-dialing someone (whom I talked to as well; I didn't know him in person, but he seemed like a pretty cool guy), and James pushes me into a corner and starts talking to me. He rambles on and on about love and how his long-distance relationship (he moved here from Japan) didn't work out and why, told me that he didn't think that he and Amber would last (!!) and that he was just "on the rebound" with her. So, I'm just standing there nodding, sipping my drink while this is all being drowned-out to anyone else's ears by the thumping of bass in the adjacent room. And believe me when I say that he had me cornered and would not allow me to get away (despite various attempts).
Finally, I say I'm going to go take a shot, duck quickly under his arm, and head toward the kitchen. He says "oh, I'll take one with you!" steps in front of me, and starts going that way as well, but then "stubs his toe" (I realize only now that it was probably a ploy) and kind of falls down in a heap right in front of the bathroom door. The hallway is narrow, so I can't get around him but, because I'm just this kind of a person, I wouldn't have stepped over him and continued anyway. Of course, I lean down and pat him on the back, ask if he's okay and all that.
Then he grabs onto my legs and hugs them, saying something like "I would never cheat on Amber or anything" then he stands up, looks at me and says "I'm just a flirty drunk." Now, this is where the story should end, but it doesn't. He then puts his arms around my waist and pulls me against him hard, pushing me into the bathroom and halfway onto the counter. He brushes my hair away from my face and neck, presses his cheek up against mine and whispers "And I think you are, too." At this point, he's running his hands up and down my body, grabbing my butt, and kissing my neck.
So, I'm drunk and significantly incapacitated, but not stupid, so I keep telling him "no, no, no" and try to push him away. I finally manage to get my hands on his chest and gain some leverage, so that I can shift his weight off of me a little, I look him straight in the eyes and say "I'm not going to do this to Amber," duck under his arm again and manage to get to the kitchen, despite his various attempts to pull me back.
This is where it really gets sticky. As I round the corner from the hallway/bathroom we were in, there's Amber sitting on the floor a few feet away. I can't imagine that she didn't hear something and assume the worst. I didn't bring it up to try to clear my name because I wasnt lucid enough to do any explaining. I'm pretty sure that she thinks that I was doing something with her boyfriend, because she didn't talk to me much for the rest of the night. Damn it.
The worst part is that James didn't. give. up. after this. Later on, I went to see if Amber was in her bedroom, but she wasn't. He was there instead. So what does he do? Grabs my arm as I turn to leave, pull me into the room and onto the stupid bed, again putting his stupid hands all over my body. Here's the best part: about sixty seconds after he does this, Amber walks into the room, right as I'm standing up to "make my escape." Again, it probably totally looked like I was willingly doing something with him.
At this point, I told Davyn and Dylan what was going on and asked them to just keep a passive eye on him; not to let him disappear while they weren't sure where I was. Yes, he kept cornering me, grabbing me and stuff. There were a few times when Davyn or Dylan had to pull him/push him off of me (and for that, I thanked them immensely; my heroes).
Ugh.. I didn't have a chance to explain to Amber because I had to leave at 8:00 this morning and she was passed out in her room. Now I have to figure out how, when today I have to go to a rugby game (I'm the SRFC cheerleader today), finish packing, et all, how I'm going to squeeze in going to get coffee with her so that I can try to explain what happened and that she deserves someone better than him.
My life is like a soap opera.
Edit: Oh, now she's not talking to me. This is just perfect.
First of all, I don't think I should have had anything to drink at all; I'm not sure that it's a good idea with my treatment and all but.. that being said, I did. I had a few shots (Goldschlager is awesome), a couple of spiked Mike's.. needless to say I was pretty far gone because I haven't really been eating anything. But this isn't where the story lies, oh no...
So Amber's boyfriend, James, is a very friendly drunk. I mean, a very friendly drunk. He was even worse off than I in terms of alcohol intake and kept wrapping his arms around my waist, grabbing my hips and pulling me toward him and so on, always when poor Amber wasn't around, of course.
Eventually, Amber is drunk-dialing someone (whom I talked to as well; I didn't know him in person, but he seemed like a pretty cool guy), and James pushes me into a corner and starts talking to me. He rambles on and on about love and how his long-distance relationship (he moved here from Japan) didn't work out and why, told me that he didn't think that he and Amber would last (!!) and that he was just "on the rebound" with her. So, I'm just standing there nodding, sipping my drink while this is all being drowned-out to anyone else's ears by the thumping of bass in the adjacent room. And believe me when I say that he had me cornered and would not allow me to get away (despite various attempts).
Finally, I say I'm going to go take a shot, duck quickly under his arm, and head toward the kitchen. He says "oh, I'll take one with you!" steps in front of me, and starts going that way as well, but then "stubs his toe" (I realize only now that it was probably a ploy) and kind of falls down in a heap right in front of the bathroom door. The hallway is narrow, so I can't get around him but, because I'm just this kind of a person, I wouldn't have stepped over him and continued anyway. Of course, I lean down and pat him on the back, ask if he's okay and all that.
Then he grabs onto my legs and hugs them, saying something like "I would never cheat on Amber or anything" then he stands up, looks at me and says "I'm just a flirty drunk." Now, this is where the story should end, but it doesn't. He then puts his arms around my waist and pulls me against him hard, pushing me into the bathroom and halfway onto the counter. He brushes my hair away from my face and neck, presses his cheek up against mine and whispers "And I think you are, too." At this point, he's running his hands up and down my body, grabbing my butt, and kissing my neck.
So, I'm drunk and significantly incapacitated, but not stupid, so I keep telling him "no, no, no" and try to push him away. I finally manage to get my hands on his chest and gain some leverage, so that I can shift his weight off of me a little, I look him straight in the eyes and say "I'm not going to do this to Amber," duck under his arm again and manage to get to the kitchen, despite his various attempts to pull me back.
This is where it really gets sticky. As I round the corner from the hallway/bathroom we were in, there's Amber sitting on the floor a few feet away. I can't imagine that she didn't hear something and assume the worst. I didn't bring it up to try to clear my name because I wasnt lucid enough to do any explaining. I'm pretty sure that she thinks that I was doing something with her boyfriend, because she didn't talk to me much for the rest of the night. Damn it.
The worst part is that James didn't. give. up. after this. Later on, I went to see if Amber was in her bedroom, but she wasn't. He was there instead. So what does he do? Grabs my arm as I turn to leave, pull me into the room and onto the stupid bed, again putting his stupid hands all over my body. Here's the best part: about sixty seconds after he does this, Amber walks into the room, right as I'm standing up to "make my escape." Again, it probably totally looked like I was willingly doing something with him.
At this point, I told Davyn and Dylan what was going on and asked them to just keep a passive eye on him; not to let him disappear while they weren't sure where I was. Yes, he kept cornering me, grabbing me and stuff. There were a few times when Davyn or Dylan had to pull him/push him off of me (and for that, I thanked them immensely; my heroes).
Ugh.. I didn't have a chance to explain to Amber because I had to leave at 8:00 this morning and she was passed out in her room. Now I have to figure out how, when today I have to go to a rugby game (I'm the SRFC cheerleader today), finish packing, et all, how I'm going to squeeze in going to get coffee with her so that I can try to explain what happened and that she deserves someone better than him.
My life is like a soap opera.
Edit: Oh, now she's not talking to me. This is just perfect.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Oh, and by the way.
A certain MF user keeps posting these stupid little "chain email" things and it's driving me up a wall. They aren't cute; They're obnoxious. So stop it. Oi.
Updating like a fiend.. okay, so not really.
Most of the morning was spent lazing about and feeling sorry for myself.
After I figuratively slapped myself in the face and forced myself to get a grip and stop being such a saddo, I went to go meet my sister for coffee (but I forgot a tape measure).
My sister and I had a long, deep talk about life, love, and everything else inbetween. The whole time I was talking to her, the proverbial gears were turning and all of a sudden, I felt super guilty for keeping any sort of secret from her because she was so completely honest with me.
So, I told her I was sick. She didn't believe me at first but then I rolled up my sleeves and showed her the bruises from my treatment/lab draws/emergency infusions/etc. She took a deep breath and asked if I had told mom and dad. I told her no, so she naturally urged me to tell them. However, she did understand where I was coming from and promised that she wouldn't do it for me.
Buuuuut, she made me feel bad enough that I came home and immediately told papa. I was surprised with the way he reacted; He wasn't angry or upset at all. He asked how many more treatments I have to endure, so I told him it should only be a couple more weeks. At that point, I pretty much begged him not to keep me from moving onto campus this Sunday, to which he responded that he wouldn't ("of course not"), but requested that he go with me tomorrow for my treatment. I obliged, which means that now I won't get any studying done but I suppose it could be a lot worse. He's going to tell my mom and keep all of her concerns at bay for me.
I'm sure I have more to update about but my computer is acting up right now, so I'll reboot and try again later.
After I figuratively slapped myself in the face and forced myself to get a grip and stop being such a saddo, I went to go meet my sister for coffee (but I forgot a tape measure).
My sister and I had a long, deep talk about life, love, and everything else inbetween. The whole time I was talking to her, the proverbial gears were turning and all of a sudden, I felt super guilty for keeping any sort of secret from her because she was so completely honest with me.
So, I told her I was sick. She didn't believe me at first but then I rolled up my sleeves and showed her the bruises from my treatment/lab draws/emergency infusions/etc. She took a deep breath and asked if I had told mom and dad. I told her no, so she naturally urged me to tell them. However, she did understand where I was coming from and promised that she wouldn't do it for me.
Buuuuut, she made me feel bad enough that I came home and immediately told papa. I was surprised with the way he reacted; He wasn't angry or upset at all. He asked how many more treatments I have to endure, so I told him it should only be a couple more weeks. At that point, I pretty much begged him not to keep me from moving onto campus this Sunday, to which he responded that he wouldn't ("of course not"), but requested that he go with me tomorrow for my treatment. I obliged, which means that now I won't get any studying done but I suppose it could be a lot worse. He's going to tell my mom and keep all of her concerns at bay for me.
I'm sure I have more to update about but my computer is acting up right now, so I'll reboot and try again later.
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