My life so far:

I wish I could quit you, blogger. Clearly, we've been apart for far too long.

So.. what's new with my life?

I went home for Thanksgiving. I didn't even realize just how much I actually missed it. Even so, once I was there, it felt like I had never left; Every little mundane detail was comforting. It still had that same smell that was so familiar to me, like clean linen strung out on the line to dry (how my mother manages to keep the house smelling like this all year round, especially in rainy Seattle, is simply beyond me) with just a subtle hint of "Goya Adobo," a spice that my mother uses when she cooks. Mis perritos (little dogs) came to greet me at the door and, while they still seemed a little dismayed by the fact that I had been gone for so long, were more than willing to forgive and forget. There were changes, of course: my parents are having the whole interior of the house remodeled so I noticed some new and different lighting fixtures, a few new pieces of expensive china set carefully in the curio cabinet, some carpet removed and replaced with sanded and polished hardwood--but even so, the most important vestiges of my childhood remain. I immediately climbed the stairs to the second floor where my room is located to examine the door frame: my "growth chart" is still there, cataloguing my height every year from ages 3-16. Ay.. When they say "home is where the heart is," they aren't lying.

Thanksgiving dinner was good, but not great. I mean, I loved having both of my siblings there--I hardly ever see them at the same time. It was also a nice change to eat turkey; I had almost forgotten the texture and taste of meat (I enjoyed every bite, but now I'm back to being veggie). Additionally, I found myself being contented by the presence of my ex-boyfriend who, while no longer involved romantically with me, is still considered part of the family. I won't lie: I was not happy for the entire evening, but it was, overall, a pleasant experience.

The journey to get onto my flight back home was interesting, to say the very least. When we left the house, it was snowing, which was bad enough but at this point the roads are still navigable, so we were still going to give it a try. We get about three quarters of the way to the airport when traffic comes to a halt on the expressway. That's when we realize that the road has become an ice skating rink and cars are sliding out of control everywhere. Plenty of cars were just stopped by the side of the road (their operators hoping that the snow would let up soon, I suppose), some had spun completely off the expressway and laid to rest in the ditches by the side of the road, and we even counted a few jackknifed articulated buses and semi trucks.

By the time we got the airport, it was almost clear that I would not make my scheduled flight time, but we decided that we would try for it anyway. My dad, accompanied by my ex, dropped me off at the departures deck and said they would circle for a while in case I missed my plane. I dashed to queue formed in front of the ticketing counter, dropped my bags, and scooted past several serene-looking people with large, rolling luggage in tow to frantically explain my plight to one of the ticketing agents.

She sympathized with me, told me that my flight had been delayed by thirty minutes, but instructed me to fetch my luggage to have it checked so that I could move on to security where, again, there was a lengthy queue.

I thanked her profusely, did as I was instructed and then sprinted over to the TSA checkpoint. The line moved faster than was expected and, in no time, I was in the terminal heading toward my gate. I pulled my cell phone out of my handbag, slung securely over my shoulder, to check the time: 20 minutes until departure. I would make it in time.

As I approached my gate in the B concourse, I couldn't help but notice the two Seattle Police Department officers steadily gaining on me from behind. I had clearly done nothing wrong but, for whatever, reason felt like it was me they were pursuing. It wasn't long until this assumption was shattered to pieces by the sound of someone screaming: "Oh, GOD. PLEASE. FUCK!" in a squelched and, clearly, distressed tone. And then I noticed the circle of people. It was at this point that the two police officers behind me started to run.

I was worried at first; Worried that someone in medical distress, cardiac arrest perhaps? When I saw the man crouched by the side of the concourse with one other officer clinging to his arm that I realized what was going on; The guy was sloshed! I couldn't help but chuckle a little bit, even though I knew it wasn't much of a laughing matter. Soon after, the officers stood him up and walked him past the onlookers (including myself) that had gathered toward the terminal. In passing, he muttered things like "Don't I look like a terrorist?" and "I'm a terrorist threat," to any bystander he made eye contact with. This was probably the weirdest incident that I've had in an airport thus far.

Anyway, I got on the plane and we took off thirty minutes later than our scheduled departure time. Because of the veritable squall that was occurring on the ground below, about half of the passengers en route to New Jersey didn't show up and, thus, I had three seats all to myself. I made good use of said seats of course, not to mention the extra blankets and pillows. I put up the armrests and sprawled out across all three, which formed a makeshift bed. It was surprisingly comfortable and I slept through most of the flight (which is an accomplishment for me; I can NEVER sleep on planes), only occasionally rousing to request water from a passing flight attendant or to fasten my seat belt when we were experiencing turbulence.

My connection at Newark Liberty Int'l went.. interestingly. Because I've already written a short novel about my departure from Seatac, I'll be brief: I somehow managed to exit the C concourse that I arrived in, went out past security, into another concourse, only to realize that the C concourse was where I had to be to catch my connecting flight anyway. So, I had to go through security again which cut about 15 minutes off of my layover. Still, I was in good enough shape to wait in the ridiculous queue at the "Grab and Go" station to get a bottle of water so that I wouldn't be so parched on the puddle jump to Bradley airport in Hartford.

On my flight to Bradley, the plane was mostly empty but a young man was seated next to me anyway. He asked if I wanted him to move so that I could have my own row and I politely offered the decision up to him. He chose to stay. We chit-chatted for the whole flight; I noticed he would continue to look at me even after I had ended one of our short conversations to read a chapter from my book or stare out the window. When we landed and were waiting at baggage claim, he moved closer to me when he realized I was reaching for the sizable box that I had checked back at Seatac and offered to help me. I politely declined and insisted that I could do it but thanked him for the offer. Once both of my bags were off of the belt and most of the other passengers on our flight had left, he remained sitting nearby, watching me. I went to go get a baggage cart and would look over occasionally to see if he was still there. We would make eye contact and I would blush furiously, quickly averting my gaze. By this point, I was sufficiently creeped out, hoisted my box onto the baggage cart and, wheeling my two suitcases behind me, headed toward another area of the arrivals deck to await my shuttle back to the university. I only glanced behind one to find that he had gotten up and left. Weird.

When I got back to my dormitory, I was pleasantly surprised to see Lia, Liz, Caitlin, and Andie waiting for me on the front steps. As soon as I slid open the shuttle door, they were up and running toward me screaming "Raaaaaaayna!!!" and nearly tackled me with hugs. I tipped my driver and they all offered to take my bags up to my room. I have the best friends in the world--no lie.

Now to completely change the subject: I've been diagnosed with anemia. Not a huge surprise, right? For someone who is a vegetarian, has celiac disease, and is just getting over light chemotherapy, it seems like a given. However, when I was talking to my doctor back home, she mentioned that my iron levels and red blood cell count have always been low and borderline anemic.

Well, thank you very much Dr. Droege. But please, answer me this one question: why on earth was this not mentioned to me YEARS ago? I kind of figure that it would be a good idea to mention this fact, even in passing, so that your patient might actually change their diet and/or what supplements they are taking to accommodate such a condition. Ay dios mio..

Anyway, after we established this fact, she sent me across the street to the lab to have blood taken. I'm pretty much a pro at this now, considering that I go in almost every week for some sort of blood work. However, I still can't shake my fear of needles for whatever reason. When I go in for the lab draw, I'll sit down in the chair, chat jovially with the technician while she carries out her task, and then walk out like the whole thing does phase me.

It's when my foot hits the pavement outside the front door of the lab when my skin starts to crawl and I get jittery. Maybe it's because this when I allow myself to acknowledge the fact I'm needle-phobic, I don't know. What I DO know is that I probably appear as that I'm on all sorts of stimulants for about a half-hour after a lab draw.

I swear they should teach a class on "The Psychology of Rayna B." Can someone figure out what does, in fact, 'make me tick' first, though?

On a different medical-type strain: I've been prescribed antidepressants. A very low dose, just to take the edge off. I confessed to my doctor what had happened a few years back and that I never sought help (counselling) to recover from the experience. She decided that my mood swings and "extreme lows" were probably due, in part, to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is what I originally thought. Thus, she suggested that I find a "safe outlet" to vent my fears to and take the pills for a little while. I'm feeling optimistic.

Keepin' on keepin' on: I'd like to reflect on a couple of important relationships in my life at this juncture. First, my relationship with my roommate: Laurie. As it stands right now, I don't think it could be any better. For a couple of weeks there, there was quite a bit of tension between us for reasons that would take forever to even summarize. Now, all that as been resolved and we get along great. She had mentioned at one point that she wanted to move in with a different girl on our floor (because she thought I hated her) but rescinded that statement a couple of days ago and said she wanted to stay with me (awww).

Secondly, the relationship with Dylan, my ex-boyfriend has become disturbingly conspicuous again. I consider us just friends at this point but I must admit that seeing him again stirred up feelings that I didn't know I had. This was made even worse when, while, we were cruising around in his car, he admitted that he missed me and wanted me back.

And I considered it carefully. The truth is, I know he is capable of cruelty; He's shown me that before and I just don't think I'm prepared to subject myself to that again. He's a wonderful guy almost all of the time, but there will be times, few in far between, that he will take out pent-up anger out on me in a very personal and scathing manner (not physically, mind you). Still, I find myself wondering if I'm still in love with him (yes, it is possible at my age).. It's probably a good thing that there's so much distance between us.

I think it's due time that I wrap up this post because it's wholly boring and clearly hasn't been worth your time. I think I may have just written the next great American Novel, from the looks of it (don't even try to deny it; you and I both know that American classics are capable of producing boredom so acute that it could send you into a forty-year coma).

Hey, at least I actually updated. I'll probably have to do this more often that way I don't have to give the damned post chapters.

Ramblerambleramble

Good idea: going to bed at a decent hour when you have classes the next morning.

Bad idea: drinking "Tazo: Awake" tea at around 23:30 and not starting your laundry until midnight.

Guess which one Raynita did? :D

Moving on:

I had an interesting experience right after dinner this evening: Kate needed to move her car into lot 26 across campus and asked someone to go with her. I wasn't too enthused about it, but after Hannah and Caitlin both refused I agreed to go because I didn't want Kate walking across campus by herself in the dark.

So we get to the "splitting point" and Kate and I turn to go down the short flight of stairs into the parking lot while Hannah and C-Crazy continue on to the Knowlton main entrance. I take the first step down the stairs, chit-chatting with Kate all the while and, just as I'm about to plant my sandal on step number two, I can't help but notice what looks like a piece of tree bark sitting there. My foot continues to descend and then I notice something terribly amiss about this piece of bark--it walks.

That's when I realized what it was: a cockroach, and a particularly large one. At that moment, I let out the most pathetic, terrified squeek you've ever heard and launched myself off of step #1 with my left foot and, skipping steps 2-8, hit the landing at the bottom, swinging my arms slightly to regain my balance. Of course, I feel Kate grab the hood of my sweatshirt in a desperate (and perhaps false) attempt to help stabilize me.

She asked if I was alright; If I had just almost stumbled down the stairs or something. I explained to her that, no, I had jumped because there was a cockroach lurking in the shadows, just waiting to crawl on me. She laughed. I turned around to look my harasser in the eyes (how many do they have, anyway?). I got a chill up my spine and started alternately bouncing on each of my feet, trying to shake off my disgust while chanting the obligatory "eww, eww, eww, eww, eww, ewwww!"

Allow me to make one thing perfectly clear: I. hate. cockroaches. If there is one phobia that I've never been able to get over, it's this one. Give me spiders, snakes, vicious dogs, sharks, and I'm fine. But bring roaches into the picture and it's game over.

What does this all mean? Kate has made sure to inform everyone on K:3 that The Unsinkable Raynita is afraid of roaches. I can just see C-Crazy going out and catching some in a jar and putting it somewhere conspicuous just to psych me out. Peachy.

New subject:

Hannah has an Israeli friend that she talks to via skype!! I said hi to him today; He seems like a pretty cool guy (Yaniv, I think his name was). I maintain that my Israeli friends are far cuter, though! ;D

Okay.. It's really late, or early (depending on how you look at it) and I need to be up in a few hours to go to class. So I should really fight my terrible insomnia and get some sleep.

Wait, wait! I just want to say how much the song "Sex Bomb" by Tom Jones amuses me:

Make me explode, although you know
The route to go to sex me slow
And yes I must react to claims of those
Who say that you are not all that

Sex bomb, sex bomb
You're a sex bomb
And you can give it to me
When I need to come alone
Sex bomb, sex bomb
You're my sex bomb
And baby you can turn me on

Liz and I should make this our theme song. :P

oh, sad.

I can't sleep, so I decided to watch a movie.

The choice? Titanic. Bad idea, in retrospect of course. Obviously, I cried like an idiot because that's what I do when I watch big-budget girly tearjerkers.

I really, really, really need a snuggle-guy right now. My big, body-length pillow is just not cutting it anymore.

So, because I'm plagued with nightmares, I tend to think of things that are bothering me while I'm awake (in between attempts at sleeping).

One of such things is the investigation into Beverly's murder. They still don't have any leads and it's been some months since her death. I find it hard to believe no one saw anything suspicious that night... I don't want this case to go cold--she deserves justice now. This is sooooooo frustrating; I feel just terrible for her mother and brothers and what they still must be going through with all of this.

Speaking of her mother, maybe I should give Nelly a call, just to say "hi." Or maybe not. UGH. I don't know!!

Ha!

New blog layout! Fun times!

So what has actually been going on in my life.. hmm..

I got an email from papa telling me that our flight is booked to India. I'm wicked excited. This means that I have to get my passport, though--and soon. So I guess I'll be stopping at the post office tomorrow to get that done since all of my friends are leaving for the weekend anyway. .. I sound so pathetic.

I went to the gym with Lia and Liz today and ran 5 miles. When I work out, I get really energized and happy after I finish. Liz and Lia, umm, don't. After I got off the machine, I skipped over to the two of them and said "I feel like running back to Knowlton. Who's my running buddyyyy?" They looked at me like I had gone mad. I can't imagine not being euphoric after a work-out; I would never want to exercise!

Another thing I love about working out: when you walk up stairs and your quads are like "Ha! yeah, right! I'm done working for today!" That feeling is so.. gratifying. Hopefully I'll wake up sore tomorrow :D :D!! (I was running on an incline today so I used muscles that probably don't get much play otherwise)

Okay.. my attention span is non-existant right now, so I'll post more when I can actually sit still. :)

My theme song right now: http://media.putfile.com/One-Girl-Revolution-61

Lullaby my mom sang to me..

I was feeling really stressed and dismal today.

So what do I do? Call mi madre and have her sing me a lullaby. Is it juvenille? Probably, but it always makes me feel better. Some of the most soothing memories I have of my childhood involve my mother singing to me.

The song she chose to sing was so fitting, too. I have no idea where it's from, but she also used to sing it to me when I was little. Lyrics time!

Don't lose your way with each passing day
You've come so far, don't throw it away
Live believing dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story: faith, hope, and glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by for you and I

Souls in the wind must learn how to bend
Seek out a star, hold on 'till the end
Valley, mountain.. there is a fountain
That washes our tears all away
Words are swaying, someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by for you and I

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever..

As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I

Definitely a song that I will remember and sing to my children when they get to feeling like I am right now. Because I'm an emotional girl, I started sniffling and tears started to well in my eyes when she was singing it to me. Not because I was sad, though.. I miss mi mami. :(

Random pictures of Rayna's living space

The hallway whiteboards:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006001.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006002.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006003.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006004.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006005.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006006.jpg

Random pictures of things in my dorm:

Gotta rep the island wherever I go.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006007.jpg

My girly essentials (minus all of my makeup and other stuff.. I have an overabundance of girly things)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006008.jpg

The Knowlton cornucopia, books, my scary alarm clock (I nearly go into cardiac arrest every time I wake up to), umm.. a pen that I obviously got bored with looking at (that's innovation, people).
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006010.jpg

A typical Rayna cd.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006011.jpg

All of the fortunes I've collected + the stupid stuff on my shelf.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006013.jpg

MY TICKET. Awesome.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006017.jpg

My name, my nalgene bottles, my jewel box, my printer, and a an awesome calendar that I have yet to put up.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006019.jpg

This picture creeps Caitlin out (I think it's cute).
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006020.jpg

That little blue bag-type thing houses all of my sheets/towels/various other things that would otherwise get in the way.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006021.jpg

This is how Liz and I display our affection.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006022.jpg

Post-It notes are pretty much my favorite invention.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006023.jpg

Again, I love them.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006024.jpg

No girl should be without lip balm and a small bottle of perfume at her desk.. I realize that I'm odd. Shush.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006025.jpg

The bag that I use to lift food (mainly fruit) from the DC and my not-so-comfy computer chair.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006031.jpg

The wall that I look at as I climb the ladder onto my loft.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006027.jpg

Just in case you couldn't fully read that poster:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006029.jpg

My loft. Who fancies a snuggle? :D
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006035.jpg

Meow.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006036.jpg

The wall that I pretty much fall asleep staring at.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006042.jpg

The fire-hazard clip lamp. If my dorm room burns down, this little bugger was responsible.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006044.jpg

The top of my wardrobe opposite the foot of my bed + my leg and foot clad in puppy pajamas and awesome tiger slippers.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006046.jpg

Our TV. It's at eye-level to me from my loft. Awesome.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/9-28-2006047.jpg

Only the goofiest poster I've ever seen in my entire life:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/caitlin009.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/caitlin010.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/caitlin011.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/crazykey/caitlin012.jpg

Side note:
That "rugby sex" poster thing was something that was on the bulletin board downstairs on the first floor. I just had to have it, since it was a pun about rugby and all. The Green Bean poster came from the fourth floor bulletin board. Again, it was just too funny to resist.

Seriously.. they have some odd people thinking up ideas for student outreach posters.

the daily ramble-fest, of course

I spent a good part of the day talking with amazing people. Wonderful, awesome, fabulous.. Okay, I'm done.

I went and got my All-American Rejects tickets with Caitlin, Liz, Ashley, and Ashley's bf today. I'm so excited! The concert isn't until October 21st but I've totally started a count-down. Best thing about UMass = all the cool bands they get to come play here.

Then I got delicious sushi and miso soup with Liz and Laurie at the Oak Room and chatted with Sam for a little bit. He's a really nice guy. Speaking of nice guys, we made some new friends today. Jake and Jackie, two adorable Chinese boys majoring in engineering. Apparently they live in Northeast, so we'll probably be seeing more of them.

As we were getting up to leave, Liz spilled her miso soup on my foot. I was wearing sandals, so I got pretty burned. It really sucks when you're in a public place like that in a significant amount of pain and unable to yell anything. All I could do is bite my lower lip and groan a little bit. I don't think it's going to leave a welt or anything, but it hurt pretty badly.So then I smacked her bum really hard as we were getting back to our dormitory (to get her back from smacking mine yesterday + the soup incident). I win!

When we got back, we all hung out and talked for a little while before America's Next Top Model came on. My favorite girl got eliminated (noooooooo)! I'm probably far more disappointed about this than I should be. I'm not actually stupid, you guys; I just pretend to be.

This heartbreak nearly made me forget about the Knowlton "Cribs" contest. If you've ever seen Cribs on MTV, you'll get the basic theme: Judges come around and check out the dorm rooms/decide whose is the coolest. Laurie insisted that we enter because our room isn't particularly creative, but we have a LOT of space. Far more than any room on our floor, at least (what can I say? we're great at economizing). So we had to clean up a little bit, which really just meant that I had to clear my desk off because I'm "the clean roommate." Anyway, we won't win because Ashley actually, like, decorated her room and if she doesn't win I fear that she may kill herself (it's a joke, you guys. jeez). Who cares, though? At the end of the day, our room is still pimp--the coolest on the floor (you can't beat space)--and people love hanging out in here.

I want to buy a violin. When I was back home, I would just use Amber's violin when I was feeling particularly musical. Right now, in particular, I want to learn to play the Schindler's List theme and Pachabel Canon in D (which I maintain is one of the most beautiful pieces of classical music ever written, no matter how much they overuse it at weddings). I would also love to learn Mozart's Alla Turca on piano, but I'm not anywhere close to being able to play that well. Come to think of it.. I'd like to have all of my musical instruments accessible to me. I want my guitar, flute, oboe, and my keyboard (too bad I can only play two of those well) and.. yeah. Also, my friend was saying that a friend of hers was auditioning drummers for his band. I may just audition; I miss rocking out. :(

Now that I have all that out of the way, I think I should see a doctor. Why? Something is wrong with me. For whatever reason, my maternal instincts are in overdrive right now--it's disturbing! Every time I see a commercial for diapers or baby shampoo or whatever or TV, I always start thinking "I can't wait to be a mother. I wonder what my children would look like."

... I'm 18 (okay, almost 19) years old, you guys! Children should be the last thing on my mind! Maybe I'm just in a nurturing mood, because earlier today I was thinking to myself "gee, it would be nice to have a boyfriend to cook dinner for right now, or even just to call silly spanish pet names."

Okay. I think I'm done posting for now.

Update on my life

Things have been okay, I guess. Not particularly good, not particularly bad.

I'm using Liz's "submarine" pen that she got from China right now to do my homework. She left it in my room like, a million years ago and the poor thing's neglected. It has cute little jellyfish and chinese characters written all over it. Adorable.

Simultaneously, I am doing laundry. This may sound weird, but I love doing laundry, for a few different reasons. #1 is that I can put on Franz Ferdinand's The Fallen on my mp3 player and totally rock out while I'm doing it ("So they say you're a troubled boy just because you like to destroy all the things that bring the idiots joy. Well, what's wrong with a little destruction?!"). #2, I have a very complex method of transferring my clothes from the washer to the dryer: I pitch them at it. It's too much of a pain to walk back and forth, so I invented my own little game. #3, I know this makes me sound like I have an IQ of 30, but I like watching the clothes swirl around in the washer--it's hypnotic. #4, I looooove the way my clothes smell when hey come out of the dryer. I use special linen water so that they smell like rose and lavender.

The All-American Rejects are coming to UMass! Tickets go on sale tomorrow, so Laurie, Caitlin, and I are all going to get ours. Yay! Yayayayay!

I need to go shopping in the world's worst way. I need new jeans because my old ones (my favorite ones) are too big, and I want some cute boots and sweaters and stuff. I called my mom to ask for money and she suggested that I just get a credit card. I turned down that offer because I don't want to be in a position where I could get myself into debt. So, I guess my parents are just going to keep feeding my bank account so I can use my debit card. I have to admit that I feel guilty taking money from them but I really do need clothes. :(

Liz and I have decided that we're going to get K3 sweatshirts printed at the end of the semester. On the front, they'll say "Welcome to the Bakery" with our pastry names on the back. Our pastry names are as follows:

- "Honey Bun" = Yours truly
- "Cupcake" = Laurie
- "Brownie" = Amy
- "Cookie" = Dani
- "Nanaimo Bar" or just "Nanaimo" = Kate
- "S'more" = Amelia
- "Hamentaschen" = Hannah
- "Sconey" = Janet
- "Sugah Pie" = Liz
- "Muffin" = Ashley
- "Tartlett" = Sawako
- "Danish" = Lia
- "Shortcake" = Frances
- "Dumpling" = Kelly
- "Crumpet" = Caitlin

Speaking of Liz, we had an interesting conversation about marriage. We both came to the conclusion that, if the guy we loved proposed, we would say yes, but postpone nuptuals until we were at least 20 and we wouldn't start a family until we were secure in our career. ... I don't know why I mentioned this at all. I guess the actual conversation was a lot more interesting. Oh right, we also talked about language barrier issues. Like, is it possible to marry someone who doesn't speak your first language very well and you don't speak theirs very well. On this subject, we concluded that it is possible but it would require more effort from both spouses. Yeah, not entertaining. I know.

And lastly, about Liz, she smacked my butt really hard today while we were goofing around. Seriously, ouch.

It's sushi night tomorrow. I'm excited--I've made friends with one of the guys who makes it. A few sushi nights ago, we were waiting in line while they were making it and I noted that the same guy (a student) was there every time we went. So I suggested that we should introduce ourselves, since we get sushi on Mondays and Wednesdays. They were all like "oh, yeah. we totally should" but no one was saying anything, so I took it upon myself. I struck up a conversation with him, learned that his name is Sam, and introduced the rest of my friends. Now I talk to him every time I go to The Oak Room; He's a really nice guy.

That's the end of that story.

I'm obsessed with writing letters right now. So, people, if you get a ton of letters from me in the near future, I apologize for flooding your mailbox. It's just so much fun.

I'm getting breakfast with Kelly and Caitlin tomorrow. I don't usually eat breakfast, but they want me to go so I will. I have to get up earlier and will have less time to prep myself before class, so I'm going to forego blow-drying my hair. What does this mean? If you didn't know, my hair is naturally wavy-curly. Even when I blow-dry it straight, the ends always curl (like, spiraly curls), which I actually like, because people are constantly like "oh my gosh, your hair is so cute! how long did it take you to do that?" Anyway, my hair will be curly tomorrow. Fun.

If I had a million dollars, I'd buy your looooove
If I had a million dollars we wouldn't have to walk to the store
If I had a million dollars we'd take a limousine 'cause it'd cooost more!

My day is made :)

Now all I need are some apples and peanut butter, and I could die happy.

Edit: okay, so I just realized I have two quizzes and an exam tomorrow. That makes three. Threethreethree. Looks like I'll be up all night.

(but that's okay because my day has been made! yayayayayayay!)

Why isn't real life this romantic?

This song makes me go "awww" every time I hear it (it's from The Phantom of the Opera)

Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe
No one will find you
Your fears are far behind you

All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you always beside me
To hold me and to hide me

Then say you'll share with me
One love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
That's all I ask of you

Say you'll share with me
One love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you
Share each day with me
Each night, each morning
Say you love me

You know I do.
Love me, that's all I ask of you.


Why, I do believe it's time for me to go daydream through my stat class!

This post contains VERY personal information.

So if you'd rather not know certain things about me, stop reading right now.

....

LAST CHANCE: BAIL NOW, OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE.

Okay.

Today was a day for bad memories to dig themselves out of the shallow graves they've been hangin' out in for some-odd years to come back and haunt me. No matter what I do, I can never seem to completely chase such traumatic experiences from my mind.

Earlier today, I was talking to someone and the subject of something that happened a few years back was casually mentioned (by me, not him). What exactly happened? I was raped. By someone whom I saw as a friend and thought I could trust. I won't delve into that, though.

Later this evening, I was watching the premier of Cold Case (because it came on right after The Amazing Race) and there was a scene in it where a girl is nearly raped, portrayed in quite a graphic manner. In that instant, I relived everything that happened to me. My pulse started to race, I felt my face flush red, and that certain feeling of panic seized my stomach. Then, my breathing got shallow and fast and I realized I may hyperventilate, so I quickly (but gracefully, so as not to worry my roommate) got up, grabbed a facecloth and made my way to the bathroom, where I soaked the facecloth in cold water and held it against my face and tried to focus on calming myself down (telling myself "It's just a TV show. No one got hurt. That won't ever happen to you again," etc).

After about 60 seconds, I lowered the facecloth and looked up at my reflection in the mirror. There I saw the scar that he left on my right cheek from his stupid pocketknife that he used to intimidate me (but probably had no intention of using, now that I think about it; he cut me when he reached to cover my mouth with the hand he was holding it in). It's almost completely faded, now but it seemed so noticeable to me, like I had been marked for life, for the whole world to see.

Again, a flood of emotion. I blinked back tears and again covered my face with the cool cloth. I decided that the last thing that needed to happen was for me to lose my composure in a place where explanation would be required. Standing there over the sink, I kept seeing the images in my head (of course, the only time I have a photographic memory is with things like this) and hearing his words: "I don't want to hurt you, Rayna. If you'd just shut up, we could both enjoy this."

Haha, the son of a... Enjoy it? Aside from the fact that it did hurt--badly--I'm now left to pick up the pieces he left behind.

I feel like less of a woman. I feel worthless and unmarriageable. I'm ashamed of and hate myself. And even if I manage to find a guy who'll take me as I am when the time comes, I'd feel like I was cheating him out of something that should be rightfully his.

Why is this such a big deal to me? I wish I could explain it fully, but I can't. I think it may go back to the surroundings in which I was brought up.

...

Could someone tell me why I exist? I don't want to handle this right now; I have never felt this low, ever. I'm usually such an optimist, I don't understand why I'm having such issues keeping my emotions under control.

I'm seriously considering leaving everything behind. I want to run as far away as I can get from my past and not look back. I've seriously considered abandoning everything, including my faith, to start anew. I feel like I've just screwed everything up so badly in so many aspects of my life, I don't want any vestige remaining to remind me of who I used to be.

My cousin is in South America right now, living there and teaching english in a gradeschool. I've been talking to her, trying to get all of the details on how I should go about leaving the U.S. I can't stand it here anymore. This is something I've been looking into since my 18th birthday and, now with my 19th fast approaching, I can think of no better time to take initiative.

For those who are curious: this is without parental consent. I plan to fund said venture with money that my grandmother left me when she passed away (I think Grams would understand) and money I had put away from working at the groom shop/coffee shop + extra funds from dress commissions, etc.

But first, I have to do stat homework.

I find these hilarious.

http://www.catholicshopper.com/products/inspirational_sport_statues.html

Why I'm glad I know Kung Fu..

I forgot to mention this in my last post but, believe me, it does bear mention:

Yesterday morning, Caitlin, Kelly, Liz, and I were all on the bus coming back from Amherst center and I had to sit next to a sketchy (and probably homeless) guy because there were no other seats open. I'm across the aisle from Caitlin and Liz and I can't help but notice that the guy I'm sitting next to is acting really, really weird. Like, he'd keep leaning forward to look at me and stuff. I thought he was just being a sexually-deprived homeless person, but when I leaned over to tell Caitlin how much he was creeping me out, she said "I think he's trying to get into your bag."

This made me chuckle for a couple of reasons, one being because I was just imagining what I would do if he tried to pickpocket me. Caitlin asked if I wanted to trade seats with her (since she didn't have a bag) and I told her no. I wanted to let him give it a shot.

And he did. The moment that I felt my bag move, I swung around and jammed my knuckle into the pressure point located on the inside of his upper-arm (which makes your whole arm go numb temporarily). Needless to say, he released his hold on the bag.

So then I smirked a little bit and said "Weren't expecting that? Try again and I'll break it." I think it's pretty bad that I enjoyed putting the guy in his place, but whatever; He deserved it.

People keep asking why I'm so dressed up today. I tire of explaining it (especially since "Because it's Rosh haShanah" is not a viable reason for most and they require further explanation).

I miss my family a lot. At least I'm surrounded by a bunch of great friends who have decided to forego partying tonight because I can't go with them. My girls are the best.

I'm such a bad Jew

Because I'm on my computer right now. :(

Anyway, check this out:

Hey, thanks Hannah! It would probably be better, though, if you hadn't bailed on me and left me to go to synagogue all by myself! Grrr...









Okay, I'm pretty sure I'm done being bitter now.

Let me think of what I accomplished this morning in positives and negatives:

- went to Springfield for my treatment
+ it was the last treatment (I'm dooooone! :D :D :D :D )!!
- forgot to turn in stat homework.
- my friend in my stat class is probably thinking I'm dead because I haven't been in lecture for a week.
+ didn't have Hebrew class (yay for holidays and the Jewish professors who observe them).
- broke one of my $50 flip-flops while rough-housing with Liz.
+ went to the mall and bought new ones plus a cute new draw-string bag.
+ painted my nails with Liz.
+ watched a movie with all of my girls (I love my floor-mates--they're amazing!).
- cried because of said movie (so did everyone else, haha).
+ had some deep conversations with Laurie and Liz.

I think that pretty much sums it up. I'm up far too late, being that I have to be at synagogue early tomorrow morning. I still have to iron my skirt and blouse--I totally spaced on that earlier.

I'm thinking about someone right now, someone who's day has just begun. I think I'm going to put 'Swallowed in the Sea' on repeat on my mp3 player and try to fall asleep.

... How is this possible?

I'm in one of those moods

My roommate is asleep with her boyfriend right now (obviously, because it's super late).

Seeing them there really makes me want someone right now. I want a nice boy whom I can snuggle with on my bed while watching Moulin Rouge; a guy who'll wrap his arms around me and let me fall asleep there, pressed against him (such a nice, safe feeling). I need someone to give me copious amounts of hugs and kisses when I'm stressed out, or any other time--just because he cares about me.

Someone come snuggle with me, plz. :(

So.. maybe a Jew lives here. I'm not sure, though.

Just fyi, I have no idea what that hebrew book says or what it's about. I just found it at Powell's (which is a huge bookstore in Portland, OR; they sell a lot of old and rare books) and grabbed it because it was the first book printed in hebrew that I had seen (aside from prayer books and the like).

Oh, and if you can't tell, most of those books are either about Judaism or are written by a Jewish author (The Modern Jewish Girl's Guide to GUILT is one of my favorite books right now.. so funny).

And lastly, that slice of "keylime pie" sitting atop my speaker is a candle and smells/looks delicious. It's hand-molded--I bought it from a local crafter at a festival back home. If you all haven't noticed, I have a thing with the color green and the keylime flavor.

A pretty song

I love this song. I listen to it when I start feeling anxious about something; It helps me relax.

There's a place for us..

Somewhere, a place for us
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us somewhere

There's a time for us
Someday there'll be a time for us
Time together with time to spare
Time to learn, time to care

Someday, somewhere
We'll find a new way of living
We'll find there's a way of forgiving
Somewhere..

There's a place for us
A time and a place for us
Hold my hand and we're halfway there
Hold my hand and I'll take you there

Somehow.. someday.. somewhere.

this was about the biggest waste of time

Q1) When showering, do you start the water and then get in, or get in then start the water?: I start the water, then I get in.

Q2) Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle?: I do before I buy them, and then never again.

Q3) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the Herbal Essences commercials?: Umm.. that would be a "no."

Q4) Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?:

Q5) Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings?: nope.

Q6) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?: yep.

Q7) Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?: .. yes. this wins the "dumbest question ever" contest.

Q8) How old do you look?: I've gotten everything from 15 to mid-20s.

Q9) How old do you act?: I don't think I could gauge this for myself.

Q10) Whats the last song you sang?: Damelo - Juanes

Q11) Have you recently become a member of anything?: Student Alliance for Israel, UMass democrats, UMass women's rugby.

Q12) What are your plans for the weekend?: probably hit some parties, maybe hoot at guys from our window (haha).

Q13) Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?: closed. open is creepy.

Q14) Whats the sexiest thing about Condoleeza Rice?: .. nothing.

Q15) Does anything on your body itch right now?: my left wrist.

Q16) Who's the sexiest famous woman alive?: there are a lot.

Q17) Who's the sexiest famous man alive?: again, I really can't choose just one

Q18) Does every family have a crazy uncle?: I don't think so.

Q19) Have you ever smuggled something into America?: .. seeing as I live here, no.

Q20) Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive?: maaaaybe

Q21) Do you live in a city with a good sports team?: I did. :(

Q22) Have you ever finished off the popcorn and ate the junkfrom the bottom of the bag?: eww. that sounds wicked gross.

Q23) Have you ever had sex in a tent?: no

Q24) What about in a boat?: nope

Q25) Have you ever dated a Goth?: nuh uh.

Q27) Can you fix your own car?: depends on what's broken. :)

Q28) Would you want to kill George W Bush yourself if you were guaranteed to get away with it?: nope. as much as I don't like him, I couldn't bring myself to kill anyone.

Q29) Should guys wear pink?: why not? it looks good on some guys.

Q30) what were you doing at midnight last night? studying and sitting at the laptop like a nerd.

Q31) Whose bed did you sleep in last night? my own

Q32) What color shirt are you wearing? gray

Q33) What color is your underwear right now? light blue

Q34) Most recent movie that you watched? Chicago

Q35) Name three things you have on you at all times? clothes (haha), a necklace (one with a David Shield 99% of the time), my Ucard!

Q36) What is the color of your bedsheets? blue/green/yellow/white striped.

Q37) How much cash do you have on you right now? just a few dollars. I don't like carrying cash around, as I have a tendency to lose things (i.e. my purse).

Q38) What is your favorite part of the chicken? I'm a vegetarian.

Q39) What's your favorite town/city? New York City/Seattle.

Q40) I can't wait until...? my trip to Israel.

Q41) When was the last time you saw your mom? it's been a couple of weeks, now.

Q42) When was the last time you saw your dad? see above.

Q43) When was the last time you talked to them? mom = earlier today. dad = a few days ago.

Q44) Who got you to join myspace? Aaaaaaamber.

Q45) What did you have for dinner last night? lemongrass tofu and rice.

Q46) How long have you been at your current job? I'm not working! ha!

Q47) Is Tom on your friends list? .. what?

Q48) Look to your left. look to your right. what do you see?: left: wall. right: my roommate's desk and bed, with my roommate and her bf sleeping on it.

Q49 What is the last thing/person you spent over $50 on? a textbook, probably.

Q50) Who's your favorite villain? Scarecrow of Batman fame.

Q51) Whats the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone? a tank top from Caitlin, I think.. or was it Kelly?

Q52) What website(s) do you visit the most during the day? mailfriends, gmail, Umail, livejournal, my course websites.. I think that pretty much sums it up.

Q53) Do you have air fresher in your car? yes, there should still be a vanilla coconut air freshener in the Aqua Avenger as it sits sadly in the garage. :(

Q54 Do you have plants in your room? nope. I kill plants (not intentionally, obviously!).

Q55) Does anything hurt on your body right now? yes. my tummy and my head. and my chest region is still sensitive from where I cracked that rib last month.

Q56) What city was your last taxicab ride in? NYC

Q57) Do you own a picture phone? nope. those things are pretty much useless.

Q58) What's your favourite Starbucks drink? tall soy sugarfree hazelnut latte.

Q59) Recent time you were really upset? ugh.

Q60) Did you realize that this survey only has 59 question because number 26 is missing? nope. I don't really care, either.

Uh oh! Here comes the story of my life!

Not really. It's just a daily recap. Sorry to get all of your hopes up.

I woke up far too late and, while I would have preferred to wrap myself securely in my bed comforter and spend the day chillin' in my residence hall like that, I dragged myself down to the shower and prettified myself. Shortly thereafter, I called Hannah's cell phone to wake her up so that she could go to the dining commons with me. Hannah wins at life.

We got some delicious food from the DC and brought it back to our dorms. Seriously, I could feed a small army with the food that I have in here. It's awesome.

So then I ate an apple with some peanut butter (which is amazing; don't even BEGIN to knock it until you've tried it) and pretty much hung out for a few hours, being a nerd and chatting online with amazing people whom I adore. I snagged some cold medication from Caitlin, which tastes disgusting (I can't even begin to describe just how disgusting it actually is) but works like a charm. I started feeling better within half-an-hour.

And then Liz found me and decided to make good on my offer to be her workout buddy. So, after much whining, I got changed into some shorts and a t-shirt and went with her to the gym. The fitness center for our quad is a joke of a fitness center. The room is tiny and poorly ventilated and they only have two of each machine. Plus, the structure of the entire building is quite labrynth-like and it was a pain to find the stupid fitness room to begin with.

In retrospect, it's probably not a good idea to work out as hard as I did while you have the flu. While I definitely felt better about myself mentally when I was finished (not to mention the endorphine rush; I love that), I felt pretty much like crap physically--like, in terms of my flu symptoms.

Then we went back to the dorms, changed our clothes, and went to the DC for dinner, where we pretty much just took more food back to our dorms. At this point, I pretty much live on fruit. I love it. Love it, love it, love it. Lovey-lovey-love-love. Love it. Okay, moving on..

So, here's the scoop on the clingy ex-boyfriend who wants to marry me:
After talking to a certain AWESOME someone, I decided that just sending him back the promise ring without any explanation wouldn't be very nice--and that's not what I'm all about. So I wrote him a letter that goes a little something like: "David, I'm deepy flattered that you still feel this way about me after so long. However, you and I both know that a marriage built on unreciprocated infatuation is bound to fail. I'm sure that the one for you is out there and that you just need to look a little closer to home to find her. [blah blah blah more ways of saying "no" politely and sensitively]" Hopefully he won't continue to bother me once this is pulled off the table (I know that sounds mean but, come on! If you were in my shoes, wouldn't you find the whole situation a bit creepy?).

Oh! Oh! The Amazing Race premiered today and I'm so excited. They started in SEATTLE. It both broke my heart and made me happy to see such familiar images on TV (I'm just slightly homesick at this point). But I got to point out certain things to my floor-mates and that was awesome. We are all planning to make watching The Amazing Race and America's Next Top Model a weekly affair (Grey's Anatomy too, I suppose). K3 unity!!

I was missing my [paternal] grandmother today. I'm feeling a bit misguided right now and she always seemed to be able to put me back on track in the past. I hate being so far away that I can't go to the cemetery regularly to lay fresh flowers down. Jessie and Hannah were talking about their grandmothers at lunch the other day and how they always call to check up on them. I wish I had that.

Now here's where I get all emo:

I don't know what it's going to take for my parents to be proud of me. There's not much more I can do: I get good grades, I'm involved with a bazillion extracurricular activities, I stay observant of my religion to the best of my ability, I'm constantly trying to better myself. Why don't they recognize that? Why did I have to rely on grandma for affirmation? Don't get me wrong; I know my parents love me a lot. Sometimes, though, I'd like to get more than an expectant "bueno" when I tell my mother what I've been doing with the Student Alliance for Israel or the UMass democrats or any other of the student activities that I'm involved in, before she finds something to criticize me for. I guess I'm fated to live in Karoly's shadow.

Ugh. I'm an emotional girl, you guys. Sorry 'bout that.

Am I being punished?

I'm sick. I have the flu and I feel like absolute crap.

This couldn't have come at a worse time, my white blood cell count is down and this could potentially turn from something that is quite minor into something serious.

God, I feel so terrible. My head hurts, my throat is sore, my nose is stuffed up, I'm nauseous, and pretty much every muscle in my body aches. Oh, this is also punctuated by the fact that I'm running a fever.

Ugh. Someone, just grab a gun and put me out of my misery, please.

Now, I don't deny that it could be partially my fault. I started feeling bad this morning and, by about 21:00, it had peaked. Yet, when Liz, Hannah, Jessie, and Caitlin asked if I would go out with them tonight, I complied. Why? Because I'm an idiot.

We went to Jessie's friend's dorm room at Orchard Hill [residential area] where they were playing beer pong. It was ridiculously hot and uncomfortable crammed into that dorm room, but I decided to stay and have a drink anyway. I ended up getting Bacardi and cranberry, with WAY too much rum in it for my own good, but it was cold and my throat hurt, so I drank it down. Regretting that.

Then we all left because we were going to head to a frat party, but ended up turning around because it sounded sketchy. Long story short, I felt like crap so Caitlin escorted me back down here (to our dormitory) via "the rape trail" (which is a sketchy dark, wooded trail that snakes along the hillside and that no female should travel alone at night).

Then I took the most refreshing shower ever, with cool water because I'm so feverish. I think I'll go to bed soon, if I can.

Oh, the guy whose dorm we went to is Jewish, and so were most of his guests. I don't know why that bears mention..
And oh yeah, Jessie and Hannah are trying to set me up with a couple of Jewish guys that they know. Yes, a couple. Because they couldn't make up their mind on just one. I think one of them is named Ruben and the other is Jake. It's kind of creepy how excited they are about the whole thing.

I'm sorry if this entry is poorly-written and full of grammatical errors. The fever is making it a little bit hard to focus. I'm going to bed.

We can't seem to escape it..

I was talking to my friend, Dani, today and we got on the subject of me being Jewish (because Caitlin, of course, made a comment about it today; She's fixated on Judaism). We were talking about my mezuzah when, all of a sudden, she says: "Oh my gosh, did you hear what happened in Southwest [residential area]?"

I shook my head and gave her a shifty-eyed look. "Well, my friend has a mezuzah up on her doorpost, too [in Southwest] and she decided to move it to the inside because her whole hallway got vandalized."

You know when you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach--like there's a heavy stone sitting in there? I was pretty much feeling that when I asked her to explain herself further. She went on to say that swastikas were spraypainted all over the hallway she lived in along with various antisemitic phrases; That they had actually closed her floor's lounge pending cleaning because the phrases spraypainted therein where so offensive and disgusting. Because, obviously, now her friend somewhat fears for her safety, she has now removed her mezuzah and replaced it inside her room.

Security is pretty tight on our building: you need to swipe a card to get in the front door and all other exit/entrance doors are alarmed from 8pm-8am. That being said, I'm fairly certain we don't have any antisemites in the building, so my mezuzah is staying put. I'm just disgusted and worried. A few days ago, I called mama to check in with her and she mentioned an article that she read in one of her magazines about the best Universities for Jewish students; UMass was #3, yet this still happens.

Moving on: I got an interesting letter today in the mail.

It was from my ex-boyfriend. Not my most recent; One that I had kind of remained in contact with, but not really. It was pretty long but the basic sentiment was this: He regrets ever letting me go (mentions that my moving away made him realize it), wants to marry me (I'm pretty sure he's 22, now), and he made sure to mention that he wants me to bear his children. I nearly DIED laughing when I read that part. Oh, and also, included in the envelope was a ring. Not an engagement ring, a promise ring (still would mean I "belonged" to someone; promise rings are more simple and modest and the first step toward engagement); he hoped that I would "promise" to come home to him.

So how do I respond to this? I'm going to put the promise ring in a small envelope and mail it back to him, without so much as a note. The whole situation is ridiculous; I don't need this kind of drama right now.

And in more interesting news:

Liz is probably the most awesome person on the face of the earth and, if I were to marry anyone right now, it would definitely be her (it's a joke you guys, calm down). We rough-house and cling to each other a lot; We have spectacular wrestling matches and tapioca fights when we get pearl tea in Amherst center, we go on midnight adventures to the vending machines in the basement, we shower at the same time (in separate stalls, you perverts) and have hilarious conversations back and forth while we do..

Yeah. We're awesome (and a little bit weird possibly, but whatev).

I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight; I've been literally worrying myself sick. I suppose I'll try, though.

Oh! Oh, wait!

I'm trying to plan my next trip to the island and my parents aren't going with me. That's kind of stressful because it would mean that I would have to be around my family (on the island) by myself and my spanish is getting broken; They like to tease me about that.

Oooor, I could skip staying in our house, which is in the "family neighborhood" (almost everyone in that little area is related to us) and just have papa book me a condo in San Juan. The only downside of that would be that, if I wasn't going to see any of mis tios y tias, I couldn't see my little cousins either and that would kind of break my heart. I miss those two so much.

And I'd need to find a friend to drag with me because the island is so much nicer if you're "sharing" it with someone, but the possibility of finding someone who wants to go and has the means to get there is not very likely.

Sigh.. I'm beginning to wonder whether or not I'll just skip the whole thing. It's such an awkward spot that I'm in.